Straight No Chaser

One More Again

para ti(na), because i feel bad that i won yours and you lost so profoundly at mine. no promises, but we'll see what we can do. hopefully things will come out differently, considering you wrote the challenges yourself this time. my fingers are crossed for you, you cheater.

this time the crew comes from the homestead. feel free to chuckle as i bend over backward trying to identify these people without giving their last names.

1. tina
2. meg
3. jared
4. elizabeth, that elizabeth
5. l.a.
6. silver chips stephen
7. valderah-ha-ha
8. noah
9. anita
10. timalima(çon)
11. AUNTIE
12. shannon

kegstands, who falls first?

i'd say me, since i don't drink and i probably have no threshold to speak of, but can you imagine regular-sized people trying to keep drunk jared suspended that high above the ground? congrats, you made it to the second round.

tina
meg
elizabeth
l.a.
stephen
val
noah
anita
tim
tef
shannon

race around the island, in the water, but you have to build your boats yourself with materials you find ON the island.

i assume we're eliminating the person who does worst at this challenge. so i think what happens here is, a genie springs out from a coconut, magically endows tina with detailed remembrances of every r&e lesson she's undoubtedly forgotten since ninth grade, narrowly saves her from flunking this challenge. her self-made motorboat runs with johnsonian precision, and she names it the u.s.s. child molester. and l.a. loses instead, because of that list she's one of the few to never have taken the class, and is too much of a prima donna to reason it out. then she'd pretend to be happy she was losing.

tina
meg
elizabeth
stephen
val
noah
anita
tim
tef
shannon

everyone just sits around and chills for the day. at the end of the day, we take the winner of the boat race (who's immune for this challenge) and whoever can tell us the least about him/her gets booted.

you know what's sad?

tina
meg
elizabeth
stephen
val
noah
anita
tef
shannon

who can create the most delicious meals using only island ingredients (clearly there's fish and seaweed, but i've never heard of island rice, so sushi is out of the question)?

if by most you mean least, and let's work on your wording, i doubt stephen will ever have to cook for himself, because his geisha will do it for him, so chances are he isn't preparing for culinary self-sufficiency now, either. thank god, he's gone.

tina
meg
elizabeth
val
noah
anita
tef
shannon

who smells the best?

who smells the worst? the cat lady, of course.

tina
meg
elizabeth
noah
anita
tef
shannon

everyone talks about their hometown. the one who makes the most other people want to go home with them wins.

tina, i love you, but your phraseology is NOT conducive to the workings of this game. you meant, whoever does the worst job of advertising their hometown loses. too bad we all share the same hometown. well, you love silver spring, and meg loves silver spring, and noah and anita love silver spring, and i've grown to tolerate silver spring, but the cowgirl saddles up to ride into the sunset every chance she gets, so tia tef is no more.

tina
meg
elizabeth
noah
anita
shannon

who can go the longest without eating?

better worded as, who passes out first? not me, and not you. however, anita's gastrointestinal woes, stretched out end to end, could wrap once or twice around the globe. i wouldn't even risk it. i'd feed her my arm or something to keep her from leaking excess stomach acid everywhere. but it'd probably have too many carbs.

tina
meg
elizabeth
noah
shannon

everyone walks around in body gloves full of itching powder; who can stay the longest?

EW EW EW. later.

tina
meg
elizabeth
noah

food: everyone has to catch a fish with their bare hands, kill it and eat some of it raw. who won't do it?

meg would find it inhumane and appalling. so would i, but i'd be gone (losers!). noah would play with the fish's mouth first and make it sing the words to "plastic jesus." then he'd scarf that bitch down.

tina
elizabeth
noah

best harlem shake

eliz would turn her pointy little nose up, and whine about her journalistic integrity being crapped on. noah would hang in there. ultimately, your street smarts and soul would reign supreme.

tina
noah

make a mix tape of forty absolutely random american/british songs, any time period. who can name the most?

you'd win, but it'd be because of me. a victory with caveats. noah only listens to eighties europop anyway.

congratulations. you win.

tina wins, everyone. and ernie is the greatest. and god damn it, a certain shade of green is conspicuously missing from the colorful palette that is my favorites list. that is all.