Straight No Chaser

Nymphomanics

when i packed for school, i did not bring nearly enough socks. i'm currently wearing one brand cherokee white ribbed-cuff and blue and gray argyle with an embroidered s. normally i'm a jeans and flip-flops kind of girl; i only deviate when i have to, and i've had to since they turned on the air-conditioning. the air is so cold that it tickles my uvula on its way into my throat. it is unreasonably cold, to the point where it takes twenty or thirty minutes to get comfortable at night. i actually take my vitamin c tablets these days.

i wanted to just sleep at krystle's, but again couldn't because of both parties' early-morning obligations. church for everyone. krystle because she wants to, me because i promised. but first we watched "don juan demarco," a big hit, and then god's grace sent "steel magnolias" unexpectedly our way via the lifetime movie network, and god what a wonderful movie. motherhood and sisterhood: concepts that still elude me, somewhat, because i've never been a mother and i've never had a sister, and so have had to experience the tenets of both through my own mom. who, by the way, has been said to look like a black sally field. i always thought that was pretty ridiculous--nothing about my mom even remotely resembles your archetypical white woman--till i actually saw a sally field movie, probably "sybil." sorry, mom. picture sally, make her a little hippier and just the tiniest bit bustier, color her skin brown (darker than mine, about jay-z's color if that helps) and there you go. shannon's mom. so the movie, already a tearjerker in its own right, takes on an entirely other degree of profundity.

krystle cries about everything these days, and i generally follow suit. then i make jokes and she passes out muffins and kleenex. hardly are we steel magnolias. if anything, we're paper flowers, flimsy and waterstained.

in preparation for island magic, we're going to play the island game. taken from some bloopdiary thing. whoever wins (and i promise the game isn't rigged) gets a reward of his or her choosing. since you asked, i'm rooting for myself. here's how it works:

we choose eleven people. in the interest of making this worth reading, i'm going to choose eleven readers. then i add myself at the end. if you're going to play this game in your own journal, you should make your list now, rather than waiting till the end. and you should write your trials out, too. otherwise you're a cheater, and you've got no place on this island. and also, if you're not on the list, it's because i'm not sure i've got a firm hold on what you would/wouldn't do, and i don't want to offend. i'll probably still get a bunch wrong. i apologize in advance, darlings.

1. katrina
2. meg
3. brittany
4. aaron
5. aaron with phallus
6. christina
7. jodi
8. ernie
9. leah
10. tina
11. erm, mia
12. shannon!

for each of the eleven trials to follow, one contestant will be knocked off. i haven't read the trials yet. whoever's left at the end...wins. very simple. (go shannon go!)

on day one, the contestants are forced to roast tarantulas on a spit for sustenance, and subsequently sleep outside. who is most likely to say no?

definitely tina. i cannot count the number of "dragons" that have threatened the safety of her apartment-dwelling life since she left for college. as much as i'd want to keep her around, i can't imagine anyone freaking out the way she would when confronted with the necessity of eating one of those damn things. bye, tina...

leaving us with katrina
meg
brittany
aaron
aaron
christina
jodi
ernie
leah
mia
shannon

the second day's challenge is a twelve-hour round of the "silent game." who is the first to speak, thereby earning a ticket off the island?

i have a suspicion that brittany's infectious laugh would be heard all around the island for her entire stint, however long, so...if that counts, she's out. so long, britt...

katrina
meg
aaron
aaron
christina
jodi
ernie
leah
mia
shannon

a mixed-gender group of beautiful nymphomaniacs is shipwrecked on the third day, offering sweet sweet love in exchange for some number of the group's hoarded coconuts. who's most likely to break first (earning, almost definitely, the resentment of the other players?)

i will miss that phallus.

katrina
meg
aaron
christina
jodi
ernie
leah
mia
shannon

on the fourth day, a relay race takes the players in figure eights around the palm trees, in the rain, barefoot. who finishes last, and is sent home?

definitely shannon, who in fact probably wouldn't make it past the start line, if the rain was coming down hard. the last thing i need is to be stuck on an island for a possible maximum of eight more days, with an uncontrollable, sun-damaged afro. leah and mia may have similar concerns, but i can't imagine they'd protest as loudly as i would. call me shallow. but i get to stay dry. nyah.

katrina
meg
aaron
christina
jodi
ernie
leah
mia

day five, and a decoy member throws a tantrum, cries homesick, won't be consoled by anything short of motherly nurturing. given instructions to ignore the defecting contestant, which islander is likely to have the hardest time suppressing his or her compassion?

one of our moms, i'm guessing. katrina lets her daughter play make believe as an ottoman (just kidding, great mom, hi megan!), and i'm sure leah's an old pro at ignoring childish behavior, but i bet christina's compassion would get the better of her. especially if i got to return as the decoy member.

katrina
meg
aaron
jodi
ernie
leah
mia

on day six, a hot air balloon drops down out of nowhere and offers a single passenger a free flight home. who sacrifices his or her chance at the prize and takes to the friendly skies?

why, our resident butterfly, of course.

katrina
meg
aaron
ernie
leah
mia

day seven's challenge is for the group, and involves building a log cabin from the ground up, without a single person speaking. needless to say, this requires tremendous cooperation and skillful group dynamics. who can't take it for long, and breaks the silence to bark out the first command of the day?

ahem.

katrina
meg
aaron
ernie
leah

on day eight, a drill sergeant stops by to whip the remaining troops into shape. after a morning full of calisthenics and an invigorating jog around the island's perimeter, each member of the quintet is given an electric razor and ordered to shave his or her head. who won't do it?

even if i have to swim back from the mainland and stop her, meg will not be without her perfect curly blond locks for the months/years it takes to grow them back. sorry, my dear.

katrina
aaron
ernie
leah

that same drill sergeant returns on day nine with a slightly more arbitrary set of commands. "back like a dog," he orders, and "polish my boots," and "kiss my ass," and other such degradations. who snaps and refuses?

there are some things a strong black woman just won't do. lucky leah, she gets to go home to her children.

katrina
aaron
ernie

on day ten, the three remaining members awaken with a collective case of paralyzing amnesia. none can remember who they are, where they came from or why they're stranded on this mysterious island. fortunately, the drug administered to generate said amnesia wears off in six hours' time. whose disorientation sends them screaming for the hills, and who sticks around till memory sets in?

nobody runs screaming for the hills. while aaron and ernie try to shake off their confusion, katrina simply invents an alternate identity for herself, builds a raft and sails away to forge a new life as a parisian jewel thief, or some such.

aaron
ernie

on the last day, the two finalists are forced to sit perfectly still on the beach from sunrise to sunset, not speaking, not doing anything but watching the day roll by. after dark, each contestant is asked a series of detailed questions about the scenic panorama as it evolved throughout the day. who answers the most correctly, thereby beating out the other, and winning the game?

while both are deserving contenders, and have endured much to get this far, i'm pretty sure delawaaron's photographic memory would win out in the end. she'd see the entire thing as one unending kodak moment, and remember colors and images that hadn't even occurred to the judges.

and so, anticlimactically, she wins. contact me for your fabulous prize.

hope you enjoyed. grim, our island will be much more fun, i promise.