My True Soul

Eagle When She Flies...

I called Manda today. I kept her on the phone longer than I meant to. I've been reading previous journal entries about her.

I'm reading the entry about her and the people she presents to me. How different people see different pieces of her, but the piece I know so well, it's always there. Oddly enough, I've told her that. She agreed. She knew. How she didn't try, I understand more about why that was so hard for her, why she got into the situation, what motivations she had. I... I never knew I'd understand that as well as I do.

I stumble upon my words when I go to tell someone how *I* feel about them. When I try to express something really important to me, I never can get it out. I've never been able to do it, no matter how hard I fight against being like that. It's just who I am. I do that often enough with Manda, she thinks it's cute. She especially loves it when we're in person, like the night I told her I was falling for her, she just looked at me... and waited... and then hugged me.

I keep looking back, hoping that I'm not being blinded by my feelings for her. She and I talked about past relationships last night. My one goal? Not to do the things they've done.

I mentioned something about wanting to see her. She told me I could have came and got her this weekend. That woulda been nice... long weekend and all. I didn't want to cause I was afraid it might be a bit obvious and too much too soon considering her mom's just now getting where she likes me.

Gah.

Other news in my life? I've totally slacked all weekend because I haven't felt like doing my work and now I must study 4 chapters of Spanish, one very thoroughly, so I can make an A on my test tomorrow. Then tomorrow? I've got to come in and read for my Experimental class and my research lab. I'm kinda hoping that getting back to school will make me have more of a pattern. Of course, at this moment, I'm starting to feel a little crazy since I haven't gotten out of the house practically all weekend. I haven't needed to get out of the house with the cost of gas and such. Plus, I was sick Friday and busy with fixing things around here after Hurricane Katrina. Which, I still have a shed behind where I live that's smashed up against the fence. I'm not sure what to do, no one lives behind me anymore, and it's not my responsibility to take care of it. Anyways, Saturday I had cramps. Sunday, I had worse cramps. Today? My stomach has just been hurting majorly. I've kinda wondered if I don't make it worse by stressing myself out. Of course, at the moment, all I want to do is sleep.
Maybe I shouldn't be taking 19 hours again. I still just feel worn out and not like doing anything. Heh, and having to buy a bottle of Pepto-bismal to basically drink like a soda... there might be something wrong with that.

I have not had enough time to myself lately. Just haven't really had that. I have needed to write lately. Writing helps me release things. Now, more than ever. I haven't updated my book journal since the 18th of August.

Ya know what else is weird? The really important things in my life, like, my cousin having leukemia, I don't tend to mention all that much. I should, but, I guess it's just something that I know I'm not going to forget, so I don't bother writing it down.

I write down thought processes and things I'm going to forget. And after I write things down in my book joural, I go back and re-read and make notes. I make notes about myself. I'm such a friggin' dork.

Probably another reason I haven't updated the book journal so much is probably because of the fact my hand starts hurting or that I always try to do it at night. I've gotten to this point where now, at night, by the time I go to bed, I pass the f*** out. Typically.

I'm at this very delicate place where I'm not sure if I close myself up more or not. Oh well. Perhaps next semester I'll only take 15/16 hours. This is what I've done since I've been in college- 12 hours, 16 hours, 19 hours, 17 hours, 19 hours. Maybe it's time I took a break? The only reason I did 12 the first semester is because actually.... I had 3 already. And having research, lol, I've got a class I'm getting 3 hours of credit for that I'll actually be spending about 8-10 hours a week working for.

All of that is a muddled mess that needs to be sorted out. I think tomorrow after my Spanish III test, I'm going to go to the library for the majority of the afternoon. Just kinda get lost down there. Read the things I need to read and go through and get my certification for being able to work with human subjects in a psychology experiment. Yay. I get to get trained on how to decieve people and how not to. Wooot. Excitement.

Now, I'm hungry. Adios. And maybe, eventually, I won't ramble as much about Manda in here. But, as this turns to be one of the ONLY places/people I can talk about her, or things involving her, don't expect it soon.

Sarah, if you read this, which, I'm assuming you do still... I finally have realized why one should choke Bush with pretzels. Have often had dreams involving large bags of them.... and him...
Anyways, as a side note if you read this before I reply... I have intentions on replying, I don't know when, and I don't know what I'll say... but I will reply. I could reply now, but, I'd be rushing to do so and I haven't had time to think as much as I'd like. It wouldn't be fair to me nor to you for me to not give the reply the time and consideration it deserves.