My True Soul

Spectra - the best kept secret in Alabama

Last weekend I spent at home and with Manda.

Manda is now my girlfriend.

I was going to wait til September, but, I mean, it was the 27th of August. To have a set "time" at that point was kinda silly. It was close enough.

I told her that I was falling for her on that Thursday. On Saturday, she told me that she was as well. That actually she could have said it Thursday, but she didn't wanna just say "hey, yeah, me too!" because of it not seeming as sincere.
We talked about how it's something neither of us really wanted to say. But, we felt it.

Last night, she and I talked about why we feel different stressors on our life. She understands something there that NO one I've ever met has understood. She gets it. Really gets it. I get something about her I don't think she thought I would.

I told her more about myself. I don't really remember doing it now, I just did.

She gets upset when I mention how I've harmed myself. She instantly told me I didn't need to do that anymore. I don't. But, I don't think she knew if I did or not anymore. I don't. I told her what my preferred method of destruction was, especially when I was younger, how old I was when I started hitting myself, and explained why. I don't do that much anymore. I also explained the reason why I've thought about suicide, how I'd wanted to kill myself, and such. She told me that Ty had once told her about how I'm really not gonna waste my time caring about some people, that they weren't worth the effort, and he'd said that seemed like such a cold way to be. I told her why I stopped living my life for others, basically. I live my life because I want to now. I care about who I want to.

She listened. Just listened. Listened intently. I'm not used to that. She knows I'm not. She told me last weekend that it was a shame that I wasn't.

And then, I asked her if the thought of me crying really bothered her. It does. She can't stand the thought of it. She's very protective over me

Last night, we talked about one of her problems. She told me she didn't want me to think of that as a reason that I had to stay with her. I hate having to tell someone that I don't. But, I did. I told her that wasn't something I'd let effect me like that. I'm with her because of her, not because of this problem. I told her, that it wasn't to say that I didn't value her problem. But, I've had to learn not let that effect who I was with because of my desire to fix things. She was more worried about me feeling sorry for her. I don't. She said that was good cause it'd piss her off if I was.

Thursday, the 1st that is, I had a long discussion with Tyler. Apparently the thoughts of committing suicide and such were weighing heavily on his mind. Last night, Manda got to see why it bugs me so much that he lets other people effect him like he does. I talked to him a long time. I'm hoping he understands what I told him. I told him that he had better listen to me, that I was not going to be happy with him if he did what he typically did and just tell people he'd listen. He and I talked for a good long while about everything.

As awful as this may sound, I'm so tired of having to take care of him. That's what it feels like. I take care of him.

I saw Lily last weekend. She's expecting anytime, basically. She got to meet Manda, she approved. It wasn't like I needed her approval. I just wanted them to meet. I've read several notes from her this past weekend. I really care about Lily a lot. I do.

I also read letters from Kat. Geez. I miss her. I really do. One of her letters was talking about Eric and his eyes. How when she looked into them, she was caught, and her eyes would change in response. He'd told her they looked so open, so willing, so completely... soft/warm. That's exactly how things are with me now. And she mentioned about how I was going to have to come visit her. Haha, and one note had her hand traced on it. I put mine over it, it fits. She and I had the same size hands, almost the same type fingers, etc. I miss her. I miss talking to her and being able to understand her by looking into her eyes. I could see when she was crying on the inside. Eric told me she's been kinda moody lately. But, I haven't talked to her.

I've also felt like I've had to be bottled up with my emotions. I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about this situation with Manda. I don't want to impose. So, mostly, I've just been talking to her about it.

I guess that works. Whenever we talked about the whole girlfriend thing, I told her I realized that there was that possibility of us breaking up, but, that I wanted to stay her friend. That I started out that way, wanted to end that way. That I wanted to work through things with the ability to discuss things. That if we broke up, I knew we'd need time, that was fine, but afterwards, I'd like to be her friend. That's what she holds highest, friendship. The ability to talk. I guess it's okay that I talk to her.

But, in all honesty, I've wanted to curl up into someone's lap or at someone's feet and just stay there. Manda's lap. April's feet. Yes, lol, I adore the desire to curl up at your feet April. Don't ask me why. I suppose maybe it's you 2 because neither one of you would ask questions as to why I was there.

In addition, in school, now I'm going to be helping do research for a Social Psychologist. That's the most important thing in my school life at the moment.