The Saga of CUM

Episode 2: When The Penguins Disappeared

Dedication

These stories are dedicated to Ishan, who made many hours of my life goodtime, and provided the inspiration for this.

Warning

If you are offended by any of the following, do not read these stories:

Silly Names
General Sex
Prostitution
Nakedness
Self-Gratification
Sexually Transmitted Diseases
Paedophilia
Necrophilia
Bestiality
Animated (As in walking and talking) genetalia
Other Animated stuff
Semen
Offensive language
Horror
Low level violence
People coming back to life
Movie Rip-Offs
Stupid Jokes
Black People
Drug Use
Pointless randomness
Racism
Made-up words
Gore
Anything sick, twisted and disgusting


Episode 2: When The Penguins Disappeared

When the penguins disappeared, CUM was slightly pissed off, especially because along with the penguins, his friends TONSA and BLUEBALLS had disappeared. So, CUM went into the town square and shouted “Hear ye hear ye.” But no one heard his yees, excepting one brussel sprout, who said, “Leave me alone you baaaaargh.”

The reason he didn’t finish the word ‘bastard’ was that a gigantic nipple had descended from the sky and opened wide and sucked him up. Then it dawned on CUM, so he wiped it off, then he had an idea, perhaps the myth of the Connelator was true? Walking away from the scene of utter carnage and chaos, as the nipple had sucked up or imploded most of the village, he searched for the village myth-teller, OHSHITIMGONNA CUM. He found OHSHITIMGONNA cowering under a giant discarded bra. CUM said, “Tell me the myth of the Connelator, I have a sneaking suspicion.”
To which the myth-teller replied, “A long time ago, there was an ordinary school teacher, with a problem, she wore the tightest fitting…”

“What’s the matter?” asked CUM

“I really wish you wouldn’t toss while I’m talking, this teacher is really not hot.”

“Sorry. I apologise. Continue.”

“Anyway, this teacher was horrendously ugly, and her nipples had extreme issues; one would never get erect, and instead, sporadically, act like a black hole, however, the other nipple was constantly erect, and in being so, would poke through any thickness of clothing. This caused so much mental distress in the students she was put on report, before being fired after a charge of assault was laid against her after she blinded a student when she leaned over his desk. Since then, she has chosen a life of mythology and has grown to huge, almost mythic, as it were, proportions, and has roamed the world searching for her revenge.”

“Wow, that’s almost a novel in itself.”

“Yes. It almost is. The author might as well stop writing now. But because everyone loves him so much, he won’t. Let us all praise the author.”

“Hail author” said everyone.

Then CUM stood up from his prostrate position of bowing before me, and struck a pose, and said, “I will stop the Connelator, possibly creating a mythic story in the process, possibly, I will have many wacky sidetrack adventures, and most probably, I will masturbate, many times. And it looks like I will have to travel through a place named Pornoville, of all things. In this place, it is likely there will be several shady erotica merchants, who sell anything.”

At which point CUM fell asleep, and then woke up. “What happened?” He asked, but there was no reply, as he was alone in a cold, icy cave with a parchment in his hand. This parchment revealed the secret to perfect cunnilingus. “Ah ha!” He said, “It’s so simple! Wow. I’m glad I know this, so smug, in fact, that I wont share it with anyone. If only I wasn’t alone in this cave, if you know what I mean.”

Suddenly, a great white wave came crashing through the cave and catapulted CUM and stuck him against a wall.

“My bad,” said TONSA, “Sorry.”
“I’m here too,” said BLUBALLS, “And guess who we found.”
“A character from a previous story that the author is going to re-introduce because he cannot be arsed thinking up a new character?” Guessed CUM.
“Correct!” Yelled BLUBALLS, “Tilc is here!”
“Sup my niggers, Tupac for life,” said Tilc.
“You fools!” Screamed CUM, “That’s not Tilc; it is a black man in disguise!”

Then, the black man, realising his cover was blown, had a giggle about the multiple sexual references, then whipped out his colon and slapped TONSA across the face with it.

“No!” Screamed CUM, “This is all wrong, all black people are so loving and friendly, and they would never do something so violent and disrespectful.”

“Ahahaha, you sweaty urethras!” said the black man, “I am in fact a white man working for the Connelator. I have been sent here to destroy you.”

“Noooo!” Screamed a voice. This specific voice in fact belonged to Lisa’s baby boy, LICUM, who had grown rapidly into a man, after a strange accident involving the Connelator and some spilt boobie milk.

“You’re my son?” Asked CUM, as anyone in his situation would.
“Yes, I am,” said LICUM, “When you participated in the gangbang on my mother, in the forest of herpes, I was conceived.”
“I knew I should have used protection, but, I’m still slightly confused, you should look half-brussel sproutish, you look nothing like me.”
“Ah, yes, with clothes on I don’t.” Said LICUM, whipping down his pants and revealing his monster, which scared everyone so LICUM put it in the monster cage, before whipping out his penis.
“My boy,” said CUM, wiping away a tear.

By this time Matt was frustrated, and a little jealous, so he said, “I will challenge you to a duel,” pointing at a rather plump penguin, who immediately ruffled its feathers and shat itself, so LICUM accepted the duel.

“Aha!” Yelled Matt triumphantly, “Now is my chance to prove I am not compensating for anything, so I shall let you fight my giant slave!” As the words echoed around the cavern, Matt clicked his fingers, upon which, a distant sound of thunder was heard, the cave began to darken and moisture crept along the walls. “What’s happening? It’s getting really poetic in here!” shouted Blueballs, hardly able to hear himself over the crescendoing sound of thunder. Bolts of lightning were throwing themselves in all directions, leaving charred scars across the stone. Descending from high above in the cavern came a gargantuan piece of bumfluff, with evil red eyes. “Come my servant,” ordered Matt, “Engulf my opponent! Take him to the Connelator’s prison!”

“Let’s leave,” said CUM
“But your son is about to be engulfed!” protested Blueballs
“He’s a bastard, I’m leaving,” said CUM
“Fair enough,” said TONSA
And they left.

CUM, TONSA and BLUEBALLS decided that since they were thinking about the subject of parents and bastards, they would try and find CUM’s father, Sir CUM, knighted for saving the world from a brand of condom that glued itself permanently to penises, maybe I’ll tell you about it sometime.

After a while, they thought they might draw a map. Handily, there was a map nearby, so they didn’t have to. Luckily for them, the map was correct and quite accurate.

Looking at the map, where the path split into four paths, one leading to a forest, containing an unknown tribe, one leading to ‘the town of wise men who need “tasks” done’, one leading to the town of ‘Lickydickyanddamicky’, and one leading to the local red light district.

CUM: “I would like to go to the town of wise men, we may be able to go off on an adventure, one that ties in with the discovery of who made the penguins disappear, as I am not happy with just finding the penguins. I am planning to sell this adventure as a movie to Miramax Studios.”

TONSA: “I would like to go to the local red light district, being so horny and well hung and all.”

BLUEBALLS: “I would like to go to the town of Lickydickyanddamicky, because it has a funny name, and although I cannot cum, I am a cunning linguist.”

BLUEBALLS looked smug.

CUM and TONSA: “BLUEBALLS, that joke isn’t funny, it’s off a TV show, and you told it like shite. We hate you.”

BLUEBALLS: “Bugger, I guess you’ve heard the master debater one too…”
“Right,” said CUM, “Now, let us forget that ever happened and decide whether to go to the red light district or to the town of wise men, who need “tasks” done.”
“If you ask me,” said TONSA, “The quotation marks around the word ‘tasks’ are dodge.”
BLUEBALLS suddenly made an intelligent, precise and very accurate statement, which, because of his reputation with saying stupid things, was unfortunately dismissed by CUM and TONSA:

“Guys,” said BLUBALLS, “That forest with the unknown tribe in it must be Tilc’s tribe!”

“No,” said CUM
“No, you stupid cunt, people with three ‘L’s in their name suck cock,” said TONSA

“That’s a shame,” said BLUEBALLS, “I really liked Tilc.”

“Why?” Asked CUM
“Why, do you love being raped by animals, you sick bastard?” Asked TONSA

“No,” said BLUEBALLS, “because we made so many hilarious nut jokes when we were with him.”

“Fair enough,” said CUM
“Fair enough, you anal leakage,” said TONSA

“Stop copying me,” said CUM
“Stop copying me, BLUEBALLS is a virgin” said TONSA

CUM calmly picked up a half-chicken/half-squirrel crossbreed and slapped TONSA across the face with it. The aforementioned crossbreed happened to be Tilc’s son, conceived when he was feeling particularly randy, and was sharing company with a rather lush chicken after falling into its coop.

This incident forgotten, the trio headed towards the village of wise old men. When they got there they met the leader. After enjoying a bit of sprout-fiddling, the leader, named ‘Yureethrapen Etrayshon’, said “My name is Yureethrapen, and I have a strange tale to tell; A long time ago, if I were to be precise, last week; a strange village was set up in a forest near here…”

“Tilc!” said BLUEBALLS excitedly.
“Shut up,” said CUM

Yureethrapen continued, “We can only ponder what is inside this village, as every attempt at communication has failed. All we know is that at night, we can hear licking and sucking of nuts.”

BLUEBALLS shouted, “Ha! I knew it! It’s Tilc’s village!”
“To be fair,” CUM said, “It could be hot and horny barely legal eighteen year old girls who don’t like to communicate with dirty old wise men.”
“No way,” said BLUEBALLS, “That was a blatant nut joke, it has to be Tilc.”
“Okay, I believe you,” said CUM and TONSA at exactly the same time.
“Jinx, personal jinx, ultimate jinx, master jinx, anti-jinx-back jinx, vagina jinx,” BLUEBALLS reeled off.
“What’s vagina jinx?” asked CUM and TONSA, upon which, BLUEBALLS hit them both thrice.

“Ah, that’s a good trick,” said Yureethrapen, “Anyway, on with my story; I believe that a villain has captured a man named LICUM and is going to use his raw untapped powers to turn the whole world into mutants...”
“Ah, if I could just stop you there,” interrupted CUM, “There may be a problem with that clever storyline, it’s been done.”

“Really, oh, okay… how about the villain captured LICUM because he has the access codes to Zion?”
“Nope,” said CUM

“A giant asteroid is going to hit…”
“Nope.”

“Frodo…”
“No.”

“Okay then, you dick, LICUM meets this, er, guy, and then they do a few things, and then there’s an interesting bit and then we all find out the twist and how to stop the Connelator.”
“Good,” said CUM
“Thank you, now fuck off,” said the wise man.

Tilc was sitting on his royal throne in his village, telling the young squirrels the story of how he acquired his name, and how he received the permanent white patch on his tail. Suddenly his squirrel tense tingled, his cute squirrel head jerked up and he leapt out of his throne, running towards where he sensed CUM was located. Tilc was in a quandary, and needed guidance, and CUM always knew what to do.

CUM, TONSA and BLUEBALLS were walking through the forest when BLUBALLS suddenly said, “My sprout sense is tingling; Tilc is close.”
“Good,” said CUM, “Because I really have no idea what to do now… Hey, wait a minute, how do you know Tilc, you weren’t even in that story with us?”
“Ummm…” Said BLUEBALLS, and began explaining everything when all of a sudden Tilc burst through a patch of shrubs and said, “It’s good to see you guys again!”
“Yes,” said TONSA, “Awesome.”
Then CUM said, “Oh, I know how you both know Tilc, it’s so simple!” Upon which, CUM explained how they both knew Tilc.
“Well, I’m glad that’s all cleared up and sorted,” said Tilc
“Yes, we are too,” chorused the sprouts.
“Hey Tilc?” Asked CUM, “Would you conveniently have a map of the way to the Connelator’s hideout, containing her prison? It would be awfully nice if the map showed a path that weaved its way pointlessly through amusing locations and scenarios…”
“Why, now that you mention it,” said Tilc, pulling out a map, “Would this one do?”
“Excellently,” said CUM, “Let’s go, our first amusing obstacle is… Let’s see now… Ah, we will need to get past ‘Lake Shite’.”

As they approached the lake, CUM said, “This does seem familiar, I wonder why I’m not allowed to go around this lake?”
“Because the lake is not made of water, as the name suggests, it’s filled with shite,” Tilc said.
“I’m actually getting quite sick of nonsensical answers to my questions, you might as well just say that ‘we have to because it might be funny’,” said CUM
“Fine then, even though we could easily walk around this lake, we have to because it might be funny,” said Tilc
“Thank you,” said CUM
“Hi!” Said a ravishing, young, beautiful woman, “I’m fully open about masturbating and my masturbatory experiences, and I think sex with another woman would be a sensual and natural thing.”

So, the three sprouts chopped her up and made a raft out of her, set it out on to the lake and dropped their penises in, cum-propelling themselves across. Tilc lay by the mast throwing up, after he finished, he said, “I cannot even begin explaining where everything you’re doing is satanic and wrong, I mean, honestly, BLUEBALLS, you can’t even cum… Why is your penis in the shite?”
“I want to be part of the group,” BLUEBALLS explained.
“And why did you have to massacre this young beauty into a raft?”
“I’ll tell you later,” said TONSA, with a smile on his face, the smile that can only be obtained by cumming in shite with another sprout. Tilc decided he had produced enough stomach acid to throw up again. He threw up again.

The raft finally reached the other side of the lake, the quartet got off and scuttled it, sending the gore and vomit ship to the depths of shite and semen.
“That was just sick,” complained Tilc, “I hate you.”

They all looked up the path to see a truck pass by, on the side was a large picture of a smiling middle-aged housewife, under it was the slogan, “If it’s not Vege Nell’s Vegetable Juice, it’s not any good.” The truck sped quickly up the road to a large factory, which also had the large picture and slogan on each wall.

“Well, that slogan is to the point,” commented Tilc, “I wonder if they’re allowed to say that?”
“Let’s go and find out!” said BLUBALLS enthusiastically, “To the factory, they are also bound to know information on the Connelator’s hideout and the danger that lies ahead.”
The quartet entered the factory through the large golden gates into a large open courtyard, containing only a large empty funnel, which would have emptied into bottles, labelled ‘Vege Nell’s Vegetable Juice’, which lined a still conveyer belt. Everyone stared, as a large shadow passed over the courtyard, booming steps were heard as the shadow-creating object squatted and got into position. Tilc worked out what it was, and began throwing up again. BLUEBALLS asked, “What is it?”
Tilc paused his vomiting, “It’s the Connelator.”
“But it’s naked!” exclaimed BLUEBALLS.

The conveyer belt started trundling the bottles towards the funnel, just as the Connelator began grunting and groaning, squeezing out her toxic vaginal juice into the funnel. The fellowship of four, fainted.

“Ah,” said the Connelator when they regained consciousness, “I see you have unwittingly stumbled upon my disgusting, spermicidal plan.”
“Yes,” said CUM, “We really weren’t prepared for this.”
“Really?” said the Connelator, “I assumed the ‘Vege Nell’ was a dead giveaway.”
“Oh,” said TONSA, “Not really, I would have much preferred ‘Veg-Eye-Nall’.”
“I dunno,” said Tilc, “now that I think about it, if you say it fast enough with the right accent, it’s pretty obvious.”

“Now,” said BLUEBALLS, “Tell us your evil plan!”
“Very well,” said the Connelator, “I shall tell you my entire plan, then kill you, probably with my vacuum-nipple.”
“Fair enough,” said BLUEBALLS.
“One day, I discovered my vaginal juice had mind controlling powers, when, I paid a student who I liked to call Mr. Ovens, fifty dollars to lick me. He discovered that my clitoris is in fact a third nipple, and upon touching it, I had complete control over him. And now I’m bottling my juice, so I can distribute it all around the world and become the ruler of all.”

“One moment,” said Tilc, “I have to decide how sick that is on my personal scale, and whether to throw up. On a normal day, I definitely would, but I’ve been through quite a bit, and I’m not sure what I can handle.”
“Now, explain why you had Matt capture the penguins,” demanded CUM
“Ah, well, little do you know, but all penguins are in fact secret agents in disguise,” explained the Connelator
“Really?” asked BLUEBALLS
“No, did you know they took the word gullible out of the dictionary?” inquired the Connelator
“Wow, really?” asked BLUEBALLS
“No, I had the penguins captured because, for some reason, they drink as much of my juice as they can, without mind-controlling consequences.”
“Fascinating,” said CUM, “So you had them locked up in your hideout, making our only chance of saving the world the rescue of said penguins.”
“Yes,” said the Connelator.
“That’s interesting,” said CUM, and grabbed TONSA, BLUEBALLS and Tilc and ran out of the factory.

“Wow,” said BLUEBALLS, “How did we get out of that sticky situation?”
“I can’t remember,” said CUM, and stopped, suddenly.
“What is it?” asked BLUEBALLS
“Shhh!” Shushed CUM, “I can hear something.”
At which point, everyone heard the faint, tapping, clicking noise.
“It sounds like…” pondered CUM, “Someone texting!” he whirled around to see TONSA quickly hide his cellphone.
“Sorry all,” said TONSA, “Just a bit of text-sexing with my friend.”
“Lucky bastard,” said BLUEBALLS,
“Ah, ah, ah, mmmm.” Said TONSA, blowing his load, losing the stack, riding the white train, unleashing the dragon, shooting his juice, creaming his jeans, spurting the gravy and then, finally cumming.
“Okay…” said Tilc carefully, “Would someone mind unsticking me from the ground, I’ve learnt my lesson of standing in front of TONSA.”
CUM peeled Tilc off the ground, and brushed him off.
“TONSA, you are such a loser,” said Tilc, understandably.
They all walked along the road, then stopped walking, as they gazed upon a man, running around a room, urinating and whipping several large breasted, over-tanned women.
“That looks like Oggle Boggle Moby Dick!” said CUM and Tilc.
It was.
They all walked into the room to talk to Oggle Boggle.
Oggle Boggle stopped slapping someone in the face with his penis and waved at them.
“CUT!” yelled the director, “Take five everyone!”
“Hey guys,” said Oggle Boggle, “It’s been a while since we last met. That porno I was in really took off, and, the exposition, coupled with my disturbed life experiences, has turned me into a famous porn star, ‘Zack Battking’.”
“That has quite a nice ring to it,” commented TONSA
“Yes, I do have quite a nice ring,” said Zack, and laughed at his own joke politely.
“Excuse me,” said the director, “We are filming now,” and attached Zack to a harness and pressed a button to raise him into the air in front of a green screen. A couple of technical guys hooked up a long row of digital cameras around him, and then told CUM, “We’ve set up a row of cameras that will take pictures milliseconds apart, one by one as he orgasms. This gives a cool slow motion moving effect that will be ripped off for centuries to come.”
Zack orgasmed, and the cameras went off. The recorded image was sent to the techie’s screen. “Wow,” said CUM, “That’s a cool effect! What is this movie called?”
“The Dominatrix,” said the techie.
“Well, we must be off, it was nice to meet you,” said CUM
“Hold on, before you go, if you happen to pass through the local red light district, you should check out ‘Pierapes in the Caribbean’, I hear it’s quite good. Oh, and if you’re interested in this movie, we’ll be making a sequel pretty much straight away.”
“And what’s that called?” asked TONSA, writing a list.
“The Dominatrix 2: Reblowded.”
“I’ve had enough terrible jokes for one day,” said CUM, “Lets take this shortcut to the Connelator’s hideout.”

They all took the shortcut. Nothing eventful happened, apart from TONSA tripping over his own penis.

They walked up to the door of the Connelator’s hideout, guarding it was a large male animal, it was wearing a hoody.
“Sup bro,” said BLUEBALLS, applying the slang he learnt at Blingschool, “I love Jesus and macking bitches, a huhu.”
“Ah sweet as bro, a huhu,” said the animal
“A huhu,” said BLUEBALLS, “South Central for life.”
“Sizzle Dizzle,” said the animal, and started listening to his Snoop.
They all walked past the animal into the hideout.

Once inside, they set the penguins loose, and directed the leader towards the Connelator’s factory.

The writer has declined from describing this scene, as he has decided that this story is far too sick and disgusting already. To cut a long, graphic and vomit-inducing story short; CUM, TONSA, BLUEBALLS and Tilc saved the world, and got a shiny medal each.

“Hooray!” Shouted the villagers, and danced in the streets.

All the loose ends were tied up, and no one realised that the longest story in this compendium is a crime against humanity and should be burnt at the stake.


THE END