The Life Of Me.

12th August 2005

Sorry for the sheer lack of entries...things have gotten a little fucked up lately.

Yeah, I'm ill, I'm on my period, I don't sleep very much...which all doesn't help when dealing with boyfriends. We were going to go to this christian festival (Martin isn't christian and I'm sorta Catholic), called Harvest. Martin then decided he didn't want to go. Which was great, I was only going to spend time with him. My mum suggested we go away together alone instead, which is amazing considering how strict they used to be. I thought Martin thought that was a great idea. He tells Andi (bestfriend) that he's not going to Harvest, and aaaaaaaaaaaaall of a sudden, he wants to go to Harvest again instead.

I'm not mad that he wants to go. If he wants to share his caravan with Andi, fuckhead Gemma and loadsa random other girls, get pissed off his face, and go to prayer meetings, that's fair enough. It's the fact he's changed his mind and let me down again. I can't go to Harvest, at least not for all of it anyway, because my Nan's very ill in hospital and the end of Harvest is the only time my family can all get down to see her. It might be the last time I'll ever see my Nan. He says he didn't know this, and that he wanted to do both, go away with me, and go to Harvest...but I'm just really sick of him changing his mind, which disappoints me. I know you all probably think it's my fault for believing he ever really did change his mind, or that I'm being selfish. Just he's done it so many times....stupid example, but last week, we went to the cinema, it was really late and I was going to the bus stop with him. He told me he'd take me home. To me, that was a God-send. I hate getting the bus late at night on my own, so if he was there with me, physically taking me home, I thought this was incredible and I was extremely grateful. Five minutes later, he changes his mind (after telling me he was taking me home), and I was gutted. Absolutely gutted. Talk about lifting someone's hopes up and letting them crash back down to Earth.

And thing's just haven't felt right to me lately. Something off...maybe it's me...I don't know...the way I feel about him's changed a little. I dunno...I think of him and it's full of love and passion and want...but there's something blocking it, disappointment and sadness and loneliness. Where or when this all started, I don't know...Hell, he might not even be able to go away with me, on the phone he said he'd rather go away with me, he just thought he could do both. Yet, I know, he's only saying that to make me happy, it's not what he truly wants. In a way, yeah, I'm jealous that I can't go to Harvest. He's scored with countless amounts of people there for all I know, but definitely some. I'm jealous that Gemma's there, and that he's going to have fun with her, AGAIN. I don't understand why it means so much to him, when he's not even religious, the whole base of the festival doesn't touch him at all...yeah, he'll meet old friends (exes basically)...I dunno....

I'm not sure how I feel about us anymore. Last night I almost broke up with him. I was really, really horrible to him the other night for no reason, just because an ex (FROM HARVEST) left him a comment saying how sexy he was. And yeah, I was annoyed, but he kept going on like I was being stupid for caring. So I got mad...really mad, and building on top of hormones, sleep deprivation and general feeling like shit, I just took it all out on him. And last night, I just felt like shit. Everything seems so mixed up to me, he can't see what it's all about...things just don't feel right anymore. And I love him...I love him so, so much...I don't know...I think I'm scared. I think sometimes it gets to the point where I love him in a way that's kinda unhealthy. I can't control it in a way that is safe for me and doesn't hurt me. I'm scared that he won't love me anymore. We've been going out for 4 months today, and that's the same amount of time that Robbie realised he didn't love me anymore either. So yeah, it freaks me out. It worries me whether he's for real. And it friggin' annoys me when I get upset and he tries to "explain" stuff...which basically tells me I'm stupid for feeling that way. Argh...man...he's coming over in a couple of hours. He says he won't lose me over a five day camping trip. Sometimes I'm afraid he already has. He says if it's between me, or Harvest, it's me. I'm not sure that's what he really wants. No matter how many times he's said it, I don't believe him. I know it's my emotions in all of this that has fucked things up. It's all my fault...but somewhere, even just a tiny bit, I know I have justification for feeling this way. I know I do. I don't just feel like shit about my relationship for no reason. I was insanely happy with him, something must have happened, changed, been said...I don't know...I don't know what I want/need from him...

I hate this.