My True Soul

A commentary on relationships

I talked to Manda until almost 7 a.m. today. It was 6:40 when I got off the phone with her. I spent parts of our conversation wondering if she and are just that like minded or if she says what she does to make me think we are. I'm not really that worried about the latter. I don't think she'd waste the time and effort needed by doing it. And since that's the case, goodness. She is a girl after my heart.

To be too much alike is boring. To be too much different is troublesome. But even when we do have close to the same opinion, we'll sit and discuss why it is we have it, different thoughts, our takes on those, etc.

This guy IM'd me last night. He's an incoming freshman, he's nervous about coming to school, as most people are. He actually had added me on the facebook, which, was a bit odd. He's conservative and is part of a group called "Bush is my Homeboy." But, he seems to possibly have the potential to just accept that people have differences. He's just looking for friends. And he just honestly seems to be nice. He had John Saul listed as his favorite author and favorite book is by Saul. So, he wins points for that. As do the few, VERY few, people who know Saul and his work. (Yes, Manda does, actually.) I talked to him last night, he's pretty easygoing, seemingly. We got into a conversation about why we chose our majors, he told me that he had some problems with choosing his, I asked why. He began to explain.

I was on the phone at the time. I told Manda that he'd started making considerations of what his major needed to be in order to best support his girlfriend of 7 months. We were both quiet. And then... "Wow, only 7 months, he, started to re-arrange things in his life for 7 months?" Yeah. I make no judgements upon his life because of that. If you love someone, then go forth, be with them, marry them, make plans to change your life. However, this, isn't for me after only 7 months. My brain logically shuts down and is like "NO!" now.

April, you made a good point about how it is weird for me to be considering a relationship with someone at this given point and given all the things I've said. I think the reason why I'm willing to even ponder the situation is because of moments like the one above and the fact she agrees/feels the same.

I tried doing that though. Re-arranging what I wanted to in order to appease someone else. However, I got lucky. I was stubborn enough, my brain was, that I didn't go too far out of the way to do it. But, I'm just as guilty as he is of doing that. And if any of you have read this journal for a while, you know that I refer to Sarah. The only reason mine isn't as bad (notice: AS bad) is because I was considering these things with a relationship that lasted 2 years and 8 months. (And I have often had people tell me that wasn't THAT long. But, let's look at this in perspective. I'm 20, that's almost 3 years of my life. It's somewhat close to being a 4th of my life.)

He made a comment of him wanting to rush into things. Acting like he's 40 and forgetting that he's just 18. That he won't date anyone he doesn't see marrying.

Er, I'm not like that. However, I don't see the point in dating someone that I won't have the possibility of it beginning a more serious relationship. (We're talking at least 6 months.) It just seems like a waste of time. Which, is probably ironic considering typically I would see it as a waste of time to spend so much time on one person when there's just so many people out there that I could find to be interested in. Yes, I'm restless. Very much so. I am sometimes easily distracted. I don't like this about myself. However, now, I try to give people my word and stick to it. If I give you my word, I will do whatever it is. That's the type person I'm trying to become. So, if I give someone my word that I will be exclusive with them, then, I will. It's not about me appeasing the other person either, it's about me appeasing myself and wanting to be a better person for myself. In addition, I've figured out that if I find someone that REALLY interests me, I have no desire to be so restless. Intellectual stimulation, that's what it's all about in my world.

Good friggin' lord. Critter's boyfriend has went psychotic on her. He lied to her about some things, she told him she wanted time to think. She wanted to be with him. But now, she's decided it's over. He's called her repeatedly, texted, voice mails, called or went to see everyone that knows her. He's even called where she works and talked to her boss. Good lord. Psychotic.

This is why one waits BEFORE rushing into a relationship. This is why one doesn't go "OMG, a man!" and run to him. This is why rebounds are not good ideas. This is why one waits more than a couple of weeks before saying "I love you" because THEN you might get to see some of their psychotic tendencies.

Tell me again, why am I considering being in a relationship? Is there any wonder I'm cautious?

I've always heard stuff about my friends' relationships. It's why I want to be a relationship counselor, it fascinates me. But, at the same time, it makes me have SO many doubts about my future relationships/possible relationships. And I'd be lying if it doesn't cast doubts on my current situation with Manda, it does. But, I'll assume that I'll talk to her soon and realize that these doubts are silly. Or I'll realize it myself soon. I already am beginning to. But, this is why that if I end up being a relationship counselor I need to either be alone or be with someone that I can REALLY REALLY REALLY trust. I've known that for many years and trust is a REALLY important issue with me to begin with.

Anyways, this concludes my commentary on relationships. Not because I don't have more to say, I just don't have the time.