Breathing Room

Morning Resentment

I'm not a morning person, although I never sleep too late. I hate to sleep the day away and feel as though I'm wasting my time. I can be quite grumpy. I like to wake up with time to myself. Sometimes I feel like Dave is invading my space, although its OUR space. Its not his fault, its just that my resentment seems to overflow in the mornings and I need time to put the cap back on before it spills all the way out.

I hate being resentful yet it's a feeling I can't seem to get rid of. I try to force myself to look at my thoughts in a different light, be more positive -but it comes across as ridiculously false.

I feel like an actress, playing the role of my life. I am an actress, and sometimes I forget which role I'm in and who I'm supposed to be. I miss my part often or chime in late. My morning greeting is a half-hearted mumble. Sometimes I'd rather say nothing in the mornings; just focus on my lack of clothes and try to wear something that hopefully had been forgotten, but probably not. [Many people make it their duty to catalog who wear's what and how many times.]

I like to have on the weather channel long enough to see the predictions and then I'd prefer some news style show, like Good Morning America. Dave always watches music videos in the morning. This really isn't a problem because he gets up after I leave, but it never fails to irritate me when I get home and turn on the tv and its on VH1 Soul Music videos.

Every time.

I really shouldn't be irritated but I can't stop it. It naws at my mind, constantly interrupting my thoughts. Why? Why can't he watch videos without me making a big deal about it? I like videos. Just not all the time. I'm too old to watch them all day long, I mean really, its not that serious. I judge to harshly.

This morning, Dave asks me what I think about in the mornings. Clearly my resentment leaks out even when I try to hide it. I don't know what to tell him. I say that I think about not having enough clothes and trying to put together an outfit. This is true. That takes up many thoughts and is the cause of many morning frowns. I leave out the rest. Nothing I said would have been taken without anger and irritation. Understandably so.

I'm sure Dave resents me in similar ways. I'd prefer not to know. Some of my resentment is so irrational, I'm almost positive, its the same for him. I wake up too often wanting space that I can't find and feeling a weight on my shoulders that I can't let go of. There's good reason to believe that it's not as bad as I'm making it, but its enough occurences to question what the hell is going on?

I still can't figure out why we've chosen the path we're taking and taking together (unbelievably), when CLEARLY we should turn around or roll down the hill and go the other way separately.