My True Soul

I am a lusty wench! ...... or not.

I got my hair cut today! Yes, this warrants excitement. Why? Because it's grown an inch, at least, within the past month. It grows so fast! I think I want to get red highlights. I may as well do things like this before I get to the point in my life where I can due to needing to look more professional. Yay for those times that are coming. But, I've got at least 2 years. I've wanted red since I was like... 15 too.

I haven't talked to Manda on the phone since Thursday. I'm going crazy. I'm about to go nuts because we still have 3 weeks before school starts. But she will not find this out, lol. I will resist. Yes, I will. Actually, she was at her sister's house and had no reception really. And last night, I kinda thought she might need some time to think.

She and I had a conversation on Saturday talking about her issues with trust. And she told me that because of previous things, previous relationships, etc., that her brain has gotten where logically, it makes more sense to not get attached but rather for her to run away before she runs the risk of getting to far into something that would cause pain. Yeah, okay, I know that was partially directed at me. That's fine, I completely understand why.

I finally let her know that I know more about her than she thinks I do. Which, was running the risk of making her feel really nervous and deciding to run. She wanted to run, part of her did, but, she's choosing not to. At least that was her choice at that moment.

I've already went through this step, mostly. I've already sat down and looked at the possibility of letting her in, of chancing being hurt on another relationship. I decided that I would see where things go. There's no need in running from these things, it's part of life. And love is a beautiful thing, and if I can really really find it, then, I don't think I want to run from the risks. Although, I do want to take things as slow as an elderly turtle with a limp.

I told her I had no intentions of trying to purposely hurt her. I can't promise anything more than that. I apologized if I made her feel nervous. But, I didn't see the point in not mentioning the fact that I do see a part of who she is, she may as well know that I do see it. I let her know that I know she has the same ability to see parts of me. After I said that, she told me that she wasn't actually that worried about me hurting her, which was rather odd for her... so she said. Then she told me she was actually more worried about hurting me.

Do you know how many people have ever said that to me? I can count them on one hand.

There are certain little things that only certain types of people do/say. Those people that do those things or say those things are the ones you keep. And the ones you try to be in a relationship with. Either/or.

I told her that I'd take my chances. And I will. Hopefully she understood the meaning of my saying that.

I found her favorite book and ordered it for her. The guy put a special clear cover on it to help protect it further. Hopefully it'll come in sometime this week. I need to get some wrapping paper for it and for birthday gifts. I want something that looks elegant... maybe I can find that soon. And yes, this whole being nice thing, lol, I dislike it.

Anyways. I've got other things I should be doing. But, for the most part, things are okay in my life. I realized a lot of things about my relationships with some people. I wrote Eric the other night. I told him that I fear I'm not really myself with him because of how I fear losing his acceptance. I very rarely have had people be so accepting of me. And I admire him greatly. But, I told him those things that have been weighing on my mind lately. I told him things that I rarely speak of with most people. And I expressed how close I feel to him, but how distant I feel from him at times. Sometimes I feel like I could tell him anything and others, I dread so much his disappointment in me, even just possible disappointment.

I still have not talked to Lily. I still have no clue if she's okay. I shall trying calling her again. You don't tell someone that you want them to go WITH you to the ER and then just not talk to them or call them or anything. Unless, you're unable to. And I really hope she's okay, but, if she was fine, and she didn't call me, then, well, I'm going to bitch at her, it's that simple. I'm concerned. Don't mess with me like that if I'm actually concerned enough about your ass to be worried about you.

Things with Tyler are fine now. He and I annoy one another at times, but, it's okay.

Jake, well, things need to be worked out, but perhaps over time. He's not brought up the things that've pissed me off over the years. Good.

Things are just more okay now.

And April, yes, lol, glad I could provide you with so much amusement. It was terribly fun. And we shall have to talk again in the near future.