He Takes My Heart With Him

Going to Surgery

The OR nurse held out his hand and explained that he would be taking care of our baby during the surgery. He was dressed in blue scrubs and, although my first reaction to the sight of him had been fear, he had a very calming and reassuring personality. He and Jackson's NICU nurse guided Jack's isolette down the hall, out of the NICU, and to the elevators. I walked right alongside Jack and kept my eyes on him. He looked so small and it seemed so wrong that he should have to go through this. I should not, should not, be bringing this three day old baby to an operating room.

We waited for the elevator and Jack began to squirm. I reached into the isolette through the round opening and began to gently stroke his cheek. In response to my touch, he calmed down and laid quietly again. I marveled how just my touching him could have such an effect. That was very much a blessing from God. That moment. It made me remember that, not matter what, I was his mom.

We rode down in the elevator. The nurses talked to each other and tried to make small talk with us. My face felt pale and taut and my eyes continuously swam with tears. They realized it was too hard for us and kept silent, except to give us small smiles, meant to be reassuring. And, still, I kept my eyes on Jack.

A short walk from the elevator took us to the OR waiting room. An older gentleman was lying on a stretcher, with his wife by his side. They watched us walk in and their faces showed concern for us. I guessed at what they were thinking. What was wrong with this tiny baby? Why would a baby need surgery? The waiting room was just one long room. There were no partitions. No privacy.

The nurses stopped Jack's isolette and plugged him into the wall outlets there. I stood by him and began to, again, memorize every part of him. I touched him softly, resting my hand inside, by him. Feeling him. Willing him to be all right. I prayed. "God, please let him be all right. Please let him be all right. Please let him be all right." The tears that had kept forming flowed over. I know my husband was right beside us, but I was so focused on Jackson that it felt like it was just us. I was his link to being okay. I couldn't look away or disconnect from him even for a moment.

And I don't even know if that was for Jack or for me. So that if something happened during surgery that I would know that I had been completely with him and loving him every moment I could. That I would know he had never felt alone.

I kept my hand inside the isolette right up until they came to take him into the operating room. And as they told me it was time for him to go to surgery and were waiting to wheel him away, I couldn't make my hand move. Time stood still and I can still feel how soft his skin was. Then, slowly and reluctantly, I pulled my hand away and watched him roll away.

That should have been hard enough, but I couldn't stop myself from quickly going out the double doors of the waiting room to watch them go down the hall to the OR doors. And that's where I was as my baby went into surgery.