My True Soul

Me mucha gusta ella...

I've spent the last few days without talking to many people at all. I've talked to April and Manda. That's it.

I talked to Manda last night until 6 a.m., I talked to her for about 6 hours on the phone.

Why is it anytime I have went to write lately, my parents have come in and been in and out of the room?

Whenever she first called, my mom was still up, and I was in the process of getting a coloring book. My mom told her she could come here and color with us. I, lol, that was rather amusing. My mom was teasing the girl I'm dating about coming here and coloring. Manda thought this was funny, lol, considering she determined she'd have to dress as a Muslim woman if she ever came here. Why? To hide her lips and neck from me. I told her that'd work., we'd just tell my parents that in order to better understand the religions she studies, she actively participates in them and the culture of the area they come from.

It also saddens me that my parents like her. They actually like her. Honestly seem to like her. But, if they found out we were dating. Oh my.

Last night, talking to her, we talked about some things that have happened to us. Things in her life. The way she's been in her past. And, well, she's taking responsibility for a lot of the things. There are some things she desperately wants to change and she's trying to do that right now. She's going to try to get some help for it this fall when school starts back. Told me to remind her, have Tyler kick her in the ass to do it. I offered to go with her whenever she went, if, she wanted to me to do so, and if that would make things any easier on her. She wants me to.

I have no intentions of trying to work on her problems. I have no intentions of letting her problems become mine. But, I will support her in anyway I can. I've already been down the path of thinking I could really help someone. Of letting their problem become mine.

I told her last night that this Nov. will mark 2 years since I've thought of suicide. I told her the 2 times I've came the closest, have been times when the breaking straw was not having approval of my father. We talked about my dad. How he is, what he's like, what he's done. I... still didn't tell her everything. There's a few things...that... I don't really want to admit happened, for numerous reasons. One, I don't want to feel like I'm whining about it, cause, in the big picture, it wasn't bad. Two, I'm okay now.
We talked about things that had happened to us. There's one thing that I only think one person knows.

I... don't... like this feeling of wanting to tell her things. I don't like the feeling of being able to tell her things because then, I'll tell her a lot... a whole lot... and I'll let her in... a lot and... I have this nasty tendency of wanting to be friends first, but, then, changing the relationship. I...hrm... I don't need to do that. I want her to continue to be my friend. I've learned that. Once you don't focus on your friendship, you begin to focus only on the romantical relationship part, then you get so involved in that... that it's all you have anymore and when you have problems with one another, you can't discuss them as easily, and eh, it's, just not a happy place for me. K, so, smacking myself, I'm going to continue treating her like my friend as well. But then, I've known I've felt like trusting her, at least in a small way all along. I'm comfortable enough to fall asleep, not only around her, but on her. That's a huge thing to me, letting down my guard enough to sleep on her, with her, and actually letting her hold me while I sleep... big thing, big big thing.

She told me she didn't try to act as cute around most people. It was funny... cause when I said "oh, really? And why not?"... she told me that she wasn't going to waste her time trying to be someone she wasn't just to get someone's attention. So, no, she didn't do that for me.

We talked about saying "I love you" and how we both feel about it. One of her friends, has started dating this guy, they've known each other for 3 weeks... he said I love you first, she didn't say it back. Then, after deciding that she really likes him, she decided she could say that she loves him back. Like and love are too totally different things. I really like Manda, I like her a lot, I could fall for her, I might even be doing so, but I don't love her, not like that, not yet.

Last night, I told Eric to call me, he never did, to my knowledge. I was kinda upset. He's been home, I've not really gotten to see him, and he's supposed to be one of my closest friends. I talked to him earlier, he told me he didn't leave the guy's house until late. Then that he had tried to call, but it wouldn't go through. Yeah, I accidently placed my phone somewhere it didn't get service. But, at least I can believe him enough to know he did try. That makes things better.

And why do people fear death so much?

I fear not living life.

Anyway. April, thank you for answering that question. I didn't know you'd actually continued thinking about it. Glad to see you know what's there.