Just Jul Lee

Dreaming

Dreaming
DATE: July 6, 2005

I had a dream that my friend and I became friends again, that she forgave me for being truthful and allowed me in her life once more. Of course, in my waking thoughts, I realize that it could never be the same because there are added people involved. I couldn't spend time with them, wondering if I were truly forgiven, wondering if they deeply despised me even though she had moved forward. Our friendship, as it was, if it was, is over.

In my dream, her in-laws believed that I had some hidden issues and that I was causing them great problems with my prayers and my daily conversations with them. They believed I had some deeply rooted lust issues and that it could be determined with simple tests. They informed me that I brought all this misery upon them and myself just by being truthful, just for not pretending all was well.

Later, as my friend and I sat together, the conversation was tense and not terribly friendly. Her husband looked on, uncaring, but I knew that he wasn't fine with me being there. I woke up feeling miserable.

Last night, I cried. I do that, occasionally, usually when I'm talking to God, complaining about petty little problems that are just a waste of time focusing on.

For instance, what if I'm wrong? What if I am meant to be single forever, not meant to be a Pastor's Wife? I'm fine with being single but if I fall into the calling completely, begin to trust it and seek it with all my heart, and it's wrong, how miserable would I feel? What if I'm wrong?

Then, there is the friendships, or what passes as friendships in my life. I have come to realize that they are completely superficial. True, there are times when we can be honest with each other but I have never had a friend that I could completely be open and honest with. Whenever I would talk with my friends, I would hold back, always hold back, the true me. I would be truthful but I would not be completely truthful. I wouldn't lie, mind, but I just wouldn't give them my honest opinion. So, needless to say, my friendships always implode and I am left alone.

But not alone for I have God. He carries me through, helps me cope, helps me continue on. He is my Everything and He is faithful, honest and remains despite the rain. I love Him so.

I want to leave here. I am terribly unhappy here. But, as God reinforces in me almost daily, "Don't uproot yourself. God has planted you where you can grow, where you can produce fruit. You can't transplant yourself, God has to do it." And so, I'm still here. Gone are my dreams of Montana and of starting over. Here, I sit, and I will do so until God moves me.

I'm tired of being overweight but the willpower within me is so weak in this area that it might as well not exist. I've lost 10 lbs though so I guess it's a start.

I finally turned on the radio and tried to sleep. The first song was Our God Is An Awesome God and I realized that I was whining. How great is our God? He saved us, He calls us, He protects us, He chooses us, He loves us, there is so much He does. There are believers in other nations that can't praise God openly, that are beaten and placed in jail just for loving Him, the one true God. And here I sit, complaining about foolish things and bemoaing my 'fate' as it were.

So, as I told Him last night, I am sorry, Lord, for my complaints. I am eternally grateful for You, Lord, for Your love, salvation, mercy and protection. You are my King, my Father, my God, my Best Friend...You, dear Lord, are my Everything.