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I'm not a good person when I'm with you..... I can't explain. It's almost as if I become this horrible monster. I wake up and want to beat my head up against the wall. I don't want to look at myself in the mirror. I don't want to pretend like I'm okay. I'm not. Whatever emotions I had have completely disintegrated in time. I'm disgusted with myself for believing the things I did. For moving here. For pretending like I could do this when I knew all along I couldn't. I try, but I have built a wall so big around my heart you will never get in. You have hurt me more than you could ever imagine. I know you think I feel nothing but I feel everything. All that's happened plays over and over again in my head and it won't stop. I think that if I get out of this it will go away. Maybe you think that I never loved you so you justify your actions, but that's not the case. True, I did not want to be married when I was not ready. But over time, I began to respect you for what I thought you had become. Career, ambition, things I didn't have and you did. I did put you up on a pedestal and thought that I could never compare. That's all come crashing down. The respect is gone. Seems like it was all a big lie.... Maybe it was maybe it wasn't. Possible that you could be a good person one day. But it won't ever be good enough for me now. You've hurt me too much. Like you put a knife in my heart and twisted it around. I can't forgive you. I can pretend. I'm good at that. But I know you don't want fakeness. You want real affection, and I don't have that for you anymore. I love my children and I want the best for them. I don't think they deserve a mother who allows people to walk all over her. Don't they deserve a role model with a backbone? Every day, on my mind constantly. What do I do? I chose to be here, with you. Why can't I make myself work through this? What's wrong with me that I can't move on from all that's happened? I can't just let it go. The thing is, there is no trust. Not one single ounce in me. I question every move you make. You are the enemy. I need to defend myself. Take care of me. If I don't do that, who will? You have proved that you can't do that job. You are selfish and when it comes to the big decisions, you think of you. I know you love your children, but sometimes I think self pity and misery takes over your being and you can't cope with reality. I am so exhausted with all of this sometimes I don't even want to get out of bed. I'm far from perfect. In fact I have a lot of work to do before I become the person I need to be. I have no respect for myself. Addictions, obsessions and unfaithfulness is destructive to a relationship and your choices to engage in those activities has torn us apart. I'm sorry you did those things. But as long as I stay, you will continue. I take some of the blame since I didn't stand up for myself in the beginning. I should followed through with the original divorce papers. I set myself up for this. I'm addicted to the drama you create. But I enable you to continue. It will never end. I'm tired of this emotional roller coaster. |