My True Soul

Aqui

Ya know, I would be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to this weekend/next week. For the last 2 weeks, there's been this excitement stirring. But for the last few days, it's been really noticeable. I decided today to admit it to myself. I'm excited, anxious, but it's in a good happy way. I'm looking forward to something. I admitted it to myself. I don't like admitting things like that to myself. But now, as the days get closer, I'm more excited. And I'm hiding it in a way. I don't want any of my friends to know.

What am I talking about?

Getting to see Manda again. It's almost been a month. Getting to spend a few days near her... I'm excited. I shouldn't be, in a way. But I want no one to know. Not seriously. I want it to be my excitement all alone, without anyone to tease me about it, without anyone to go "awww, how cute."

Of course now, I realize, I'm telling some people. But it's different. These are not people who tease me. They're not people who know me as being serious and playing it cool. These are people who even if they could tease me, they wouldn't.

I'm kinda sad by the fact that Tyler may be going with me to see her. I'm sad of the fact that he'll be there too. I want to be alone with her. And I feel so odd because I want this so. I'm sad because he'll more than likely be with me when we drive down to see her and/or pick her up. I'm sad because I know they'll spend so much time talking about what he wants to talk to her about. And I'm sad because I know he's jealous.

Yes, he told me he was jealous. Why is he? Because things with her started happening naturally, they did, beautifully so. And now, all those little things, I see. It is beautiful. And I want nothing more than to just be with her...... alone, to bask in those things. To celebrate the fact we're dating, to celebrate the fact that we both like each other, and to celebrate the possibility of a future relationship.

Here's something I said the other day that one of my friends really liked:
“Your past doesn't predict your future.
Your family doesn't decide who you are.
You decide who you are and what you will do with your life.
And if you want to be a good person, then you'll choose to become a good person because you, of all people, want to do so. Not because society wants it or because it's expected of you.” – R. Howard