Learning to love

Explaining what I cannot explain....

How do I explain that I've been here before
and lost, although it seems I gained?
How do I describe the beauty,
The feeling of laying in bed
next to someone you finally love...
waiting for the phone to ring, and knowing he will go.
He has too, she's pregnant.
Sensitive. Scared. Lonely.
And the next day I'll try to cover
the large knot in my stomach that has accompanied
my short,
staggered breath
and lack of sleep
and I'll try to really care when I ask
"Was she ok?"
And that moment is the turning point...
the second of time where I shift
from the single mother that has cried every single Christmas
for over a decade,
when I explain again, why I am the only one playing Santa.
That moment changes my everything,
when I forget how much I sacrificed of me
and how unfair it is that my kid's Dad couldn't show up for their lives.
And I switch sides,
wishing that she could take care of herself
and I am suddenly,
selfishly,
petrified of what his answer might mean, to me.
I still have time to run, I think
to not know,
to not hear the words
and leave with some dignity about myself
at least.
But I didn’t.

I hear the words come out of his mouth
confirming what I had already seen so clearly in his piercing green eyes.
He played it so cool
he even threw in a giggle while he explained it casually...
"She was lonely.” He said
“She cries all the time because she is getting fat.
She is scared that no one will ever love her again
and she is horny.
So I took care of her with a sympathy f*** and some money
and came to work with a clearer conscience.
I probably wont have any more fatherly duties for a few days."

The pivotal had moment passed
and in that second where my heart exploded
and all hopes of keeping any self respect ended,
my mind made a decision that the only way to "win"
was to be the "cool girl" now.
So I cried every time he wasn't looking
But in his face I kept my cool.
He did what he thought he had to do,
and then some.
I shopped for baby toys
and wrapped infant clothes with blank labels.
I showed him how to put on a diaper
and I let him get closer to my own kids to prove how great his could be.
I was in his arms when she called because she went into labor.
I pushed his reluctant body out of bed,
went with him to the florist,
reminded him how to coach her to breath
and went home to wait by the phone
where he called asking for the perfect middle name
and together we names his new baby boy.
And I hung up the phone wondering if I had ever been
A s***tier person.
And the worst part about it
was that she never knew I existed,
but I knew her like I had been her OBGYN.

With 480 miles between us,
3 years of tug-o-war,
a negative paternity test and a thousand new girls came and went
and I still couldn't stop seeing him everywhere,
waiting; imagining that one day he would wake up
and pick me.
"The cool girl"

I've never been more grateful for unanswered prayers
now that I have you.
I have never been happier or more in love
than the way I feel about you.
But the rest of this,
I have done before.
And no matter what the circumstances,
no matter what you say when you leave and when you come home...
no matter how much my logical mind KNOWS
who you come home to...
I have been here before.
And just like the run-away train
that my love for you has ridden in on,
the heartache of having to compare
to yet another "mother of your baby"
kills everything I am, everything I believe in and everything I hope for.



So forgive my quiet reaction,
when you come home saying,
"she is lonely and she cries a lot".
Forgive the lump in my chest that takes days to get rid of
after I dress you to meet her for dinner
because I am the "cool girl"
apparently screaming "pick me, pick me!" again.
Forgive the tears that just wont stop,
every time you are not around,
because I have never been more afraid of losing anything in my life
and never been so close to having it either.
How can I describe the horror of thinking that some day in hindsight
I will be grateful I lost,
like I was with Casey,
when thinking of losing you for the cause
makes me want to give up?

How can I apologize for taking it out on you?
And how do I control the sinking feeling in my gut
When I see how much you love her and you want to help her?
How can I explain this to myself,
That some how this time it is different
How else can I explain what cannot be explained,
than like this?




Creativity is the willingness to express emotion and the ability to explore it without perfection.