The Life Of Me.

16th June 2005 - Complete

I feel complete.

It's not a thing I ever thought I'd feel, seeing myself in my further youth, as a person who was impossible to sate emotionally, impossible to satisfy intellectually. But I am I actually feel complete. With Robbie and Carl, something was always missing. I can't remember ever truly being satisfied or comfortable or happy. Maybe that's just my memory playing tricks on me, but I seriously cannot remember it.

With Martin, things are just whole. I feel so happy whenever he's around, I just can't stop smiling...the only thing that does bother me, is when he pretends to be mad at me...it scares me shitless. Even if I find out he's kidding, it's just too much. I don't like thinking he'll ever look at me that way, or that I'll ever hurt or upset him...it just hurts to think about.

Sometimes, when he talks about forever, I don't think he means it. I mean it. Maybe I mean it too much, I think I'm quite impatient about it too. For some reason, I also sometimes think that maybe he said that to Lindsay or Jen, maybe he said all the things he said to me, to them. Kinda puts a damper on the romance stuff...'cause I can be all slushy and be completely sincere, and be able to say that I've never felt that way about someone. But I know he can't. Well...I don't know that. But that's what I think. And why, oh why! do I get suspicious of him still having feelings for exes...when he doesn't even talk about them that much. It's one of those things. He would still be with them if they hadn't have broke it off. He would still love them if they hadn't broken up. That's what gets to me. He would never have grown to love me if they hadn't broken up. Granted I probably wouldn't have known him.

I also wonder what he was like with them. Whether he was just as sweet, just as thoughtful, just as incredible. Whether he loved them more than me. Not that it matters...or at least it shouldn't. Argh. What's going on with me...I shouldn't even be thinking about it.

I love him. I really, really do. I can see now that all the other times I've said I've loved someone, it hasn't been real. It's been...teenagery love, friendly love. What I feel now, I have to say...is more. Whether anyone believes me or not, I really don't care. But all the emptiness that I've lived with, has been filled. All the times I've wished for a guy to treat me like I'm the most important thing in the world, to buy me presents, to understand me, to talk to about everything and he can understand, to simply love me for who I am...and I have him.

I don't ever want to break up. Ever. He is the dream come true that hasn't let me down. No disappointment with this fantasy whatsoever, he is...what is he...a miracle. I don't know what I'd be, who I'd be, or where I'd be if I hadn't found him. It's weird...sometimes I think that Andi and Gem are only together, so that they could get us together lol. They're relationship is nothing compared to ours. Nah, it's not nothing...it's just...it's not as strong, or mature, or happy. I'm really grateful that what I have does make me happy, and hasn't hurt me or caused me any pain whatsoever.

We really haven't been going out that long, but long enough to have argued at least by now, but nothing major has happened at all. Yeah, little tid-bits, but I have them with my sister, so that don't really count lol. I can't believe how long it's been. It feels like nothing. Feels like only the beginning. Feels like we both have more to give, more to share, more to love.

I feel wrapped up in him, he surrounds my every thought, my every breath, my every smile...there isn't anything I would change about him. He is such an incredible person. And yay, no major emotional issues that I know of lol.

Damn...I've wrote a lot...And damn. I miss him loads. Was heaven spending the weekend with him, sleeping together, waking together, loving together. And then...going to bed on my own on Monday, and waking up alone...felt hideous. It felt wrong. I just miss him so much after spending so much time with him, and then nothing. He's just not here. And I want him to be I want to be with him like all the time lol. I'm not happy when I'm not with him, I don't think about anything else when I'm not with him...I want to be satisfied with how much I see him, but he's addictive. He's this amazing happiness giver, who I simply want to cherish and show love to, and I want him to be here. But he's not