He Takes My Heart With Him

Level II Ultrasound - Round One

My husband went with me to the Level II ultrasound. God bless him; he didn't know what to do to make me feel better. He spent a lot of time squeezing my hand, giving me supportive smiles, and whispering, "Everything will be all right." I spent a lot of time thinking, "No, it might not be."

We went to the waiting room and checked in with the receptionist. She didn't seem overly concerned or worried about why we were there. I felt like everyone who looked at me could tell. There's something wrong with the baby. We sat down on the brown, tweed chairs and just waited. No magazines or newspapers. I stared off into space and blinked back the tears.

It wasn't long and my name was called. The technician was nice. She seemed young and I wondered if she had children. It seemed like she should have children if she was going to be looking for something wrong with mine. I don't know why, that's just what I thought. She led us back to a little room that was partitioned into two stations. I laid down on the hospital bed-slash-cot and pulled my waistband down under my belly.

The technician asked us why we were there and we explained that my blood tests had come back abnormal. My AFP level was higher than it was supposed to be. She nodded and then went to work.

I couldn't look at the screen. I was afraid I was going to look at the ultrasound image and see some horrible defect. That I would see an image that I would have to face. Right now. I wanted to preserve the picture I had in my heart. A perfect, perfectly formed baby. So, I stared up at the ceiling and prayed. And felt the tears running down my cheeks to the pillow.

"Look, there are his hands," she said. "Ohhhh, he's so cute." I turned slowly towards her and the screen. She was smiling and gesturing towards my baby. I looked and there he was, my baby. And I loved him and needed him and wanted him. I looked at the screen and realized, it didn't matter what else was there. He was mine and he was perfect. For him, for me, for us. We would face what we had to and know, that he was perfect.