My True Soul

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Last night, I once again talked to a friend until the wee hours of the morning. I talk to him because I guess, in a way, I'm more open around him. At least about certain things. Anyways. He got onto the topic of sex. Such a common theme sometimes with us, I swear. He was talking about things he wouldn't do. I don't have many of those. I'm pretty open to trying most anything. And because of that, a lot of what I do, depends on who I'm with. Obviously. There are a few things I want to try, but, none of them are too odd. However, he brought up bondage. That's something that I couldn't have done to me. I told him there was no way I could trust someone that much. He said you should trust who you had sex with, point, but, I can trust someone enough to have sex with them and STILL not trust them enough to do that. With him, apparently sex is the most trusting thing he can let someone in on. With me? No.
He seemed baffled at this. I explained. I cannot trust someone that much. I'm not sure if I ever will. I have hope that I might in a VERY long relationship, after years. Trusting someone the utmost to me is letting them in to my soul as FAR as possible for someone other than me to be. Trusting someone that much is knowing that they'd always be there. Trusting someone that much is knowing that they'd jump in front of a bullet for me. Trusting someone that much? It's much more than just trusting them to have sex with them, it's trusting them with my entire life. It's coming to them and showing them who I am when I feel like I can be completely crushed. And admittedly, now, trusting someone enough to have sex with them is almost like trusting them with your life, considering AIDS does exist.

I told him that I have this way of letting people think they're close, but never really letting them get that close. I have this way of letting people think that I'm a really trusting person, but I'm not. I have this way of being open, but not being open at the same time. I think that's part of the reason why I want to be a psychologist. My general nature makes me a good candidate to be one. I can get people to trust me without ever trusting them so much that it hurts me. And I have to try so hard to make a conscious effort not to let my friends be like that. To trust them, to some degree.

And maybe I'm wrong with thinkin that there are so many things that people don't know about me. I think there are so many levels to myself that so many people don't know about, but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I am that easy to read. Maybe I am. But, over and over again, I think people see in me what they want to see. I am to them, what is most useful to them. And how I don't get lost within that, I'm not sure. However, I guess this is true of anyone, we are something different to everyone.

No wonder searching for who you are is such a daunting task. However, it's a task that I think is mildly pointless. Who you are depends on so many factors that there's no way you can ever go off at age 20, figure out who you are, and expect it to last more than a few years. Finding out who you are is a continous cycle. Admittedly there are some things that seem to be mostly static in one's life, but there are so many other dynamics that change. It's just crazy. I know who I am at this moment. But who I am at this moment was not who I was 3 months ago.

Back to cleaning.