The Life Of Me.

23rd May 2005 - Argh

I feel really angry. And I don't know why...Just really on edge and unhappy. I've been stuck in the house all day, revising...and then Martin comes online...and doesn't talk to me 'cause he wants me to get on with my work, even though he had to go in like 10 mins....argh. I don't know why I'm angry at him...I shouldn't be. It's not his fault he cares, or that he has to go to work.

And yesterday, I got really over-sensitive...because I have a violence-affection problem...and I know it must annoy him, but I really can't stop it...and I just felt like shit. I have no self confidence...and why not? I'm a decent girly, I do well at school. I just can't see why he'd want me. Argh...why do I do this???? I can't just trust that he does...I'm so scared he's gonna run away...go back to his ex or something...decide I'm not worth it...why am I scared? Somebody be my therapist...I need help lol.

And these insecurities are mucking things up...I just feel like things are up all the time...that something's not right between us. We don't talk as much lately...there are loads of silences that I don't like, and I don't know what to say...And sometimes I honest-to-God don't think he's real. We'll be lying in my bed, and I'll swear I'm dreaming...I don't know what to do...or what's even wrong...I just feel....not right.

I really miss him. I just want to see him 24/7...it really isn't right, I should be able to survive on my own. Even as I'm writing this I'm getting really, really angry at how much I miss him, and how I need to see him...I never realised how much I needed him, but then I don't want to rely on him too much, do I?

Argh...I'm so scared...

The last time I put everything into a relationship, it ended very, VERY badly. And I'm scared. There's a lyric, in a song by Jem, that goes, "Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time, maybe I'm afraid by the way I love you." That's how I feel...

Argggggggggh I need to scream and hit something.