Sarah's Life

Building

I have this story that is building at the edge of my mind and I keep trying to get it down into words and it always fails. It is a story of betrayal and the true emotions lying under the surface and my inability to do what it would take to potentially bring some happiness into my life. It is the story of Dorian and Elana (names changed to protect the innocent) and the way I want to use those characters to express the turmoil and desires contained in my head. I had begun the story of Elana on my portfolio before life circumstances forced me to mark it private and seclude my inner desires once again. I want those feelings out. I can feel myself screaming in my head that I want that story told but that I am too scared to tell it. I know it would drive people away and would take what little happiness I've managed to accumulate and throw it to the wind, because no one I know in real life is ever able to separate my fiction from my fact and in this case that would be an accurate way of telling. I'm tired of hurting people, tired of attempting to forge my own way only to have it hurt those around me. I'm sorry but there are only two people I could possibly want to be with right now, and while I'm with one I can't help but wonder about the other, thus the story of Dorian and Elana, the story playing in the theater that is my head. The daydreams and the ponderings and the occasionally actual dream that I wake up from sweating and yet relaxed. My heart screams that I want "Dorian" by my mind screams that it simply isn't allowed. Thus I sit, pencil in hand staring at a blank page in the attempts to start writing again. I want to write of passions and hidden meetings and stolen time. I want action and love and all of those amazingly passionate responses that I get when I read everyone elses writing. The passionate works that I look back and see that I used to be able to write, but that I seem to have lost in the past year.

I want to write but my mind simply holds me back. I want this story told but I find myself unable to tell it. I wish I could finally set aside what I see as societal convention and write what is engraved on my heart. But I for some reason cannot bring myself to scribe those words.

Dorian and Elana, I apologize for your story must remain untold.

~~Sarah