Where's the Silver Lining?

What's my problem?

I wish I knew what my problem is. Ish. I feel so down. I've always lived for today but looked forward to the future. Now it's as if there is no future, just this sense of dread and listlessness.

Yes, I know we're supposed to be going to Colorado Springs to meet Bob and Brenda and Jennifer and her boyfriend. I "know" that in my head, but something says, "Don't count on it." I "know" I'm going to the convention in July. I "know" that someday I'll have a book published. But inside, this little voice keeps saying, "Oh, really? How do you know? Don't believe it." What is wrong with me? I'm usually optimistic about "things" working out. So-and-so promises, and I believe. I plan, and I belive. Why can't I now?

Robert is doing well for the shape he is in. He does keep having those TIAs, but usually they are over before we realize he is having one. He does have chest pains occasionally, but usually a squirt of nitro or two takes care of them.

His confusion and loss of memory is getting worse, though. He struggles sometimes for the right word, well, more often all the time. But, thank God, he is still here and functioning, which surprises the doctors to no end.

The hospice people all want to be one of the people who come here. Everyone likes Robert's stories and his drive. It isn't gloom and doom here, huh, not with Robert's jokes.

I don't like this condition I'm in, whatever it is. I don't like not looking forward to the future. I miss the lack of excitement of anticipation. I feel so dull and lifeless and miserable as a result.

So, in the meantime, I'll just keep plugging away as if I didn't feel out of whack.