And Yet I Digress

The Letter... Part One

Sorry it's taken me so long. Life is a whirlwind right now. But as promised, here is my... well, I'm even sure what to call it. But here is the reason for my depression. I put it in letter form to the one who hurt me. This is the first part:



Dear Jessica,

I’m sure that you think you know the reasons for our falling out with each other. But I know that you do not. I know that I have told you before and you refused to believe what I told you. I know you believe that you know me better than I do and that whatever your imagination conjures up must be the truth. But truth does not come from the mind. It just is … always… you must accept it or reject it.

Thus far, you have rejected truth.

I know you written a list of grievances against me. A list that includes things like your upset with me for closing my door and that I’m Kelli’s friend (and thus have committed treason against you).

But I never did anything to you.

I’ll admit that freshman year I thought you were a baby. The way you were always crying about being homesick, scared of everything, and complaining and whining all the time. (It’s interesting that not so much of that has changed) Even then I noticed how much you wanted control. You didn’t want anyone going anywhere without you so you could watch and protect them. I resented your “mothering” because I knew you couldn’t last one day in the places I’ve lived. You were upset that Kelli was dating Aaron. A guy you had rejected and said over and over that you weren’t interested in. Yet the moment you found out, you acted as if you had always been madly in love with Aaron and that you made no secret about it. It was as if Aaron had rejected you (not the other way around) and Kelli pounced on him the second he asked her. And although I tried to explain to you and the others that you’d never made it clear that you wanted Aaron and in fact did the opposite, you all were set in your minds to make Jess the victim and Kelli the villain. Yet neither deserved such titles.

But that is not the reason we are no longer friends. It is an observation about you that you used later. For three years I “overlooked” the snide remarks you made about everything, how you pretended to be nice to people’s faces but hated them behind their backs, how everything had to be your way.

I’m not saying you were always the perpetrator. In fact, there were things done to you by Ashley, Mary, Andrea, and Lindsey that were wrong and unfair. But at the same time when you all “made up”(and I don’t believe that ever really happened in your hearts), Mary and Ashley made great efforts to be friends again and you shoved it in their faces. They tried to say “Hi” to you and you were rude and hateful toward them. It was like you wanted to punish them. And in that, YOU were wrong. If you didn’t want to be friends with them, you should have told them, broken up, and been through with it. But instead, you led them on. Acting like you were their best friend one day and their worst enemy the next.

That’s being two-faced.
And what about me? Junior year I was your roommate. You considered Kelli and me to be your best friends. And yet you put me down, and called me things like "lazy" and "dumb", that really hurt. You complained about every little thing under the sun. It almost seemed like you hated everything. I thought I was an exception. And everytime you got upset at some little thing, you took it out on me like I had murdered your mother. I remember the silent treatments, the cold shoulder, the curt, rude words. Everyday I had to worry and wonder if I had done something to piss you off. Because you are so easily pissed off.

And through it all I stuck by your side. True to you 'til the end.

But now the end has come...




I'll have to continue this in another entry, which will brillantly be titled: "The Letter.... Part Deux".