Journal

sex in the small town

I am in some kind of suffocating funk. Surprise, surprise, here I am writing in my journal. I am losing friendships and respect for people I once admired. It’s like they have changed, no I have changed. I guess. How is it someone can mean a lot to me and several months later I don’t even really talk to this person? I am not talking about a particular person, it has happened with several people. I once heard the theory that so many friendships were superficial because of the amount of energy a friendship requires. In a balanced friendship you worry about the other person, you cry for them, you remember them. You are part of that person’s life and he or she is part of ours. It takes a great amount of dedication as well as selflessness to be in a friendship. Too much or too little effect everything. That is why there are so many superficial friendships. Can you say to a person “I will cry for you, I will remember your life, I care” Those words are not easy to say. Are we so self absorbed that friendship has become obsolete? Are all people this willing to backstab and abandon at the drop of a hat? I feel like I need to grow a lot as a person, are these people stunting my growth? We hold on so closely to this people, they remind us of ourselves, my friendship with Delyana is a living memory of my freshman year of high school. Do we make friendships in order to remember the good things about our lives?
I am frustrated, why does a certain friend insist on reminding me that he is spoiled and handed everything? That money that I work so hard for, his parents give him freely. Why does Kellie choose her life of parties and Jesse above our friendship? I don’t think I am pathetic. Does she pity me? I think that she does, it might sound sad or mean, but I think that Kellie is becoming one of those girls that I am terrified of being. One who values fun over substance. Flings over friendships. Parties over everything. When did having fun become so important?
I had an epiphany today, well sort of. I guess that I always assumed anyone with my type of isolated childhood would be like me. As in, growing up on a reservation away from family and “white” culture. A girl in one of my classes is polar opposite of me; she is very conservative, anti gay, and very Christian. She grew up 60 miles away from me on the Navajo reservation. She commented on how when she was little her mom used to threaten her when she was naughty to “give her to the Indians.” Wow. She is my idea of a stereotypical Christian. I apologize, I know I really need to squash it but she is condescending and believes that she alone can save the “savages.” How can this be? If this person can’t see past her fear how can society?

Post Script…. I have been watching sex and the city so that influenced certain aspects of my entry style……..