what matters and why

whirlpool

It's the same thing over and over again. He makes me feel guilty for not wanting sex. He sits upstairs and waits for me to apologize because I am not affectionate enough for him. I said something to offend him; who knows what. It's always something. I'm never enough.

Back to square one. We're eighteen again, newly married and he tells me my clothes are inappropriate. I'm trapped and I can't get out. But I stay. I don't even leave when there are indescretions on his part even though I want to. It's like a whirpool and as hard as I try I can't get to the surface. He has this hold on me that won't go away.

What did he do to deserve me? On the surface, he is perfect. The ideal father, husband and lover. But if he is so perfect, why am I so empty after seven years of marriage? He thinks I'm selfish, and all this time, I believed him. But I'm not the one who is unfaithful. I'm not the one who hides finances. Or hides anything for that matter. I've been a good mother, a decent wife, but I lay in bed at night and wonder what it is that he lacks in this relationship. Who is really selfish here? The image that he project is so fake. He is addicted to drugs, porn, money and the list goes on. I think I have put up with as much as I can.

I want to think that I can go through with this. That I can say all the right things without screwing up. I'm realistic enough to know that he may not ever understand. But all I can do is say it. Get it out there, so he understands. If not now, maybe it will get through someday.