Rants on lit. from Guatemala

Fallen souls

Music: with in temptation, the song “never ending story” I love this song, as for what it is about, I don’t know. Never pay attention to a song when it’s really good. Hehe… but I think it is about the evil nature of nature… as a contemporary reading, not the old human nature one…

Read: French classes. You might be inclined to ask why… well I made a promise, isn’t that enough? Well, it isn’t but what other thing do I have so close to valentine’s day? Hmmm… if someone care to tell me… what? God? Ahhh… kami sama. Nah she won’t help, I have a curse on me.

We are all around the earth, aren’t we? We are condemned to live here and there is no way out. God, I made a promise when I was in Lebanon… I which I could get out of it. For the truth is, I can’t take it anymore. Nancy says that I’m too dramatic, but I really can’t… I whish I was left alone with the way things were… I was on my way out! Yes… ahhhhh… so sweet the sent of the end.

But what the hell, maybe another 42 years, what do you say dear diary? Hmmm? Could I stand those 42 years? I could I’m as strong as I want to be. Ajjjjj… hey! Even masturbation has lost its fun! Aaaaaaaaaaaajajajajajajaja… don’t judge me, I’ve been listening to one too many green day songs!

So, today I spent it with my two best friends… on the net: Roula and Nancy (niqui for those of you keeping track) and I felt like I was a big splinter on the gals backs today. Do I just like the attention I get when I’m feeling down? I don’t think so… I’m so tired of everything… I wish I could just fade away… god…

I’ve seen that people in their desperate search for a soul would tend to coward away from danger. Danger in the sense of emotional danger. What ever this means. We are but souls with out a body really… we are out there, searching for the other half and the more we dig, the more we find ourselves in the midst of loneliness. I wish I could know what it was like… what it was like to be liked by someone. I don’t care anymore… I tried to be charming (not charming enough), I tried to study (not schooled enough), I tried to be polite (too polite) and everything returns to 0. For once… I’d like to know what it felt like…

But then again, what if I get it? Am I prepared for such a thing? Don’t think so… god I wish I could just drink myself into oblivion… with a nice song and the anesthetizing effects of a good cheap cardboard box…

So, today I had the guts to tell Roula it was a mistake to return to Guatemala. What was I expecting as a response? Not what she said… but something similar… god.

I repeat to myself… why do I care… I have two best friends who love me… one that said so today and the other which I just know… why then… why god isn’t this enough… ajjj…

Maybe it’s because I’m on my last package of gauloise and I lost my fountain pen I brought back form the middle east. But hey… I can still drink! Yes! Cheers for what it is to come… more loneliness and more rejection! Dammmmmmned! I feel bad. Again. Why is it that I am like this? Do I have to pay $50.00 an hour to find out? Huh? Do you think that will give me back my soul? Will it give you back yours??????? Nahhhhhhh… god is god and she is still pissed at me.

When will it be possible? When will I fit? It is just a prayer… similar to the one I made in Bacco’s temple… but then again I prayed for someone else… not for me.

Hey! How about this! I’ll write one of those wanted adds… I’ll say…

Ox man, old and gone of mind, who can work until his fingers bleed… an ox that can live only on promises… who is not apt for reproduction, but will do the job, smart, maybe even a little schooled, with big back and long forgotten dreams is looking for someone… someone in which knees he can rest his head… someone in which breast can forgive himself… woman with pulse or not…

God… let’s live with out the fight… what have I done to you? Huh? As always I’m misunderstanding what you tell me… what I asked for was a nice experience… for a month… not for life…

I’m out of here…