My True Soul

YES! I am still alive!

Who knew, I'm still alive.
Someone, have no clue who, gave me an upgraded membership, but I thank whomever it was!
I haven't been writing here as much because, well, I have another website that I use and I just recently finally broke down and started trying to write in an actual real journal at least twice a week. Have another website where I post my poetry and I haven't been writing as much lately. It kinda saddens me, but alas, I think my really great poetry stuff is influenced by when I'm apparently in love with someone and very serious about them. However, I've been trying to write more lately.

So, I went through, I read a lot of people's reviews on my journal, and I realized that a lot of you had really said some wonderful things. And here, I've not written for over 6 months. Or not written like I used to at least.

My life? Yeah, in a short review, it's been the same debating and figuring it all out. However, not as depressing as it used to be.

I go back and read some of these entries and look with amazement at how some things have REALLY changed and how some things REALLY haven't.

I remember worrying so much about college and such. In college now, took 19 hours last semester, got all A's. Taking 17 hours this semester, trying to get all A's again. Would really love to graduate from college with a perfect 4.0 and I think I'm capable of it.

I've learned that I may not be extremely bright, but I can really work and make stuff go how I want.

Majoring in Sociology and Psychology. The sociology was an add on. The psychology has always been a passion of mine although I'm not taking any psych classes right now. That's cause I had a bad Psych professor last semester and unfortunately she's the only one teaching the class I needed to take next...BUT fortunately, she'll only be here for a year.

Relationships? I've just recently figured out that I don't want anything serious, however, I don't want the possibility of something turning into being serious ruled out. Trying to semi-date and I hate it, I do. It's all just really silly and apparently I'm more old-fashioned than I thought I was. I asked this one female out, she's not looking for anything serious and is super busy. She's applying to grad school at the moment. I haven't really talked to her in about 2 weeks. Normally, I'd be more upset about it, but now I never really feel like doing all the work.

I'm thinkin', so many people have said I have a good voice. I guess that's because I'm very concise in what I say at times. Also, so many people have said I'm strong. I don't see that, but I guess it's because I've kept on going. I have bad days, I have good days, but nothing hurts me like it used to. I try not to get wrapped into drama like I used to. And now? I see some of my friends freak out and I have ABSOLUTELY no clue why they're freaking out. It's all a matter of slowing your life down for a moment and remembering to breathe.

I figured out that a large part of the reason I was so emotional and so self-blaming before was because I constantly sought the approval of my father. Because I sought the self-approval of others. Because I let what others think mean more to me than what my thoughts meant to me.
Now? I try to figure out what I think constantly, that's not changed much. I have been going back and forth the last several months about who I am, where my emotions are, how I feel about one particular situation in my life. Nothing really new about that either.

Best thing in my life right now? Haha, the sleeping cat between my arms at the moment. And April, lol, it's not Tigerboy for once. Nermal's crawled up between my arms. Haha, I've became one of those people who loves their pets more than most humans.

One of my friends is pregnant now, that's.... gonna really take some adjusting to. I don't know what to do but to be as supportive as I can be. However, another one of my friends, when I was talking to them, they said that a miscarriage would be a blessing in disguise. And although I saw their point, since she is younger, and trying to make something of her life... all I wanted to do was jump through the phone and choke my friend. It's completely her choice and this friend doesn't know her at all. Just pissed me off cause I felt like that friend had NO right to say that. I would not want a child right now, but, if she does and is prepared to take responsibility, then, no, no one should say crap like my friend did. Sometimes, this friend, argh, I like this friend quite a bit, but sometimes they'll say stuff that's SO insensitive and all I want to do is to smack them silly.

Mmm, I think I'm going to go catch some Z's and calm down.


Closing Quote(s): In the long run, we shape our lives and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die, and the choices that we make are ultimately our responsibility.
--Eleanor Roosevelt
You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.
--Eleanor Roosevelt

BTW, I have lots of new poems... read'em and tell me what ya think! Please?