Personal Journal

The Tear

I passed a car on the way to my walk today, which had two breast cancer ribbons (as stickers) on the rear window. I got to thinking about Jean's gray brain cancer ribbon, which I don't wear, and had always intended to.

I instantly started thinking of getting a tattoo with the gray ribbon on it. I still might. With Jean's initials (maiden name) around it.
But as I thought of that, there seemed to be something missing.
And as I thought about that, I felt perhaps there was a more symbolic way to tattoo a reflection of my soul's pain into my flesh.
I thought about a tear-shaped tattoo near one of my eyes, so that it seemed a tear falling. And a tear would be so easy to shape in the form of a J.

I know it's antisocial to get a tattoo on your face. But I don' tthink I care. I got a tattoo on my wrist for a variety of reasons, one of which to ensure I had to be myself and take responsibility for what the cryptic tattoo means (or simply say I wouldn't discuss it). I wear my watch on the right hand ever since to ensure I never shy away from the message I needed the tattoo to say, not just to me, but to the world.

And I want to say to the world that this happened to me. This made my soul cry, and I'm not afraid to show you that my soul is torn, and there is the tear (double meaning intended) to prove it. And if you look closer, you will see her symbol, the "J", the one that god robbed from me, and I was left never to understand.

I won't tell people that at interviews. I won't tell people the first time I meet them. That will be a reply of "it's too personal to discuss at this point, maybe when you know me better." Let them see the tear and wonder. Let me bear it and be humble not to elicit personal sympathy.

This is something I have the strongest drive now to do. I'll have to start looking into it.


It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn