The Life Of Me.

29th January - Tired

It's very late. Well....not particularly, but it's almost 12am, which would then make it the 30th, so I'd better hurry up and write...

I feel a bit *meh*. My boyfriend is odd, he has a funny way of showing me he loves me, and likes to cuddle up and whisper to girls he's just met (when I'm there), just to be friendly. Well...to me, that sounds a bit *too* friendly. Which I've said to him, and he was worried I was going to finish with him, but I won't...unless he keeps doing it...which is mean.

I'm very, very tired. My right nostril is pretty runny, and the kleenex tissues I've been using have made my nose very red and sore - despite their seemingly soft and moisturised texture. I hate being ill. You can't taste, you can't smell, and worst of all, you can't really think very well. Or maybe I think too much...I don't know which.

Is it that hard to ask for a boyfriend who doesn't flirt with other girls while you're there? Maybe it is...it's happened to me twice now...First with Carl...terrible boyfriend...though I feel I'm only really angry at him for hurting me, not because he was that bad a guy. I moan to people about how horrible he was to me, and that's true, for the most part he really, *really* was. He used to call me names like "thunder thighs", which has probably fueled my self-hatred of my body a little more. Robert says I'm beautiful and very sexy and wouldn't change any part of me...but I'm desperate to feel beautiful and sexy. So...I bought myself a work-out dvd. I've done it twice now, with many pulled muscles incurred might I add, but hopefully I'll feel the benefits soon. I want to try and exercise at least three times a week. This is because I've tried the eating healthy thing. That's pants. I can't eat less because I just get far too hungry...so, if I simply exercise, I should at least get somewhere. As long as I exercise every couple of days for the rest of my life lol. But then, I suppose, how does anybody stay fit and healthy, if not through persisted exercise....

What a boring first "blog" this must be...

I really do love him. I do. And I've fancied him for about four years straight. There's some times when I feel I could burst at his amazingness, and there's other times I wish he could change his ways. He used to be a bit of a slag, drunken one night stands, cheating on his girlfriends...but he changed a few months back...and I've always felt he'd never be that way with me, that I was special. But who's to say I actually am special to him? He's the type of person where you can never really tell if he's being serious or not. He's the type of person where you ask yourself whether that is just a line, or he really means it. He's got such a good heart, but it's been tainted by the influence of some icky people, and I feel sorry for him. It's not his fault he did the things he did, he was basically pressured into them. Or that's the way it seems...I'm really scared of getting hurt. I'm not the most beautiful girl in the world, or the nicest or the funniest. So, what goes to say that he won't find somebody more beautiful, nicer or funnier than me? Maybe he will, but maybe it doesn't matter, I don't know...I should believe him when he says I'm the only one for him. I really should. I should have faith in myself, faith that I'm good enough to be loved and to stay with.

Most of the time I really don't feel worthy. Most of the time I never really feel like a person. I just feel like a shell, like I've lost a huge chunk of me and I'm trying to survive with the remains. Maybe Carl took that chunk with him. And maybe it's Robert's turn to fill that hole back in. I want to like myself, but I don't like the way I look, the things I say, the things I do. I say some really stupid things, and do some even stupider things. Why can't I be confident?!? I can walk into a room and feel okay with myself, I don't worry that everyone's looking at me with disgust. But...I don't have the confidence in myself to believe that Robert won't cheat, or that he does love me. I seriously don't feel like I'm loveable sometimes. My best friend Joe says I'm being silly. It's very, very possible that I am. I think too much. I over-analyse. It's probably because I can't do things by halves. I have to either do it, or not do it. This makes me sometimes afraid of making the big decisions, what if it's the wrong one etc.

There's so much I want out of life, and yet it seems life is running away without me. I can't keep up with it. I feel like I'm constantly just tryin got catch up, to regain what I've lost, and never gaining anything new. I feel very, very pressured aswell to succeed. I don't like to disappoint my parents, or the teachers I suppose. I've always done well. And yet I know there'll be a time when I won't, and I will disappoint. I try my best though, I always do, but I'm afraid that one day that simply won't be enough.

I wish I had the answers, but doesn't everybody? I want to feel *sure* of something. I want to feel confident, pretty, clever, nice...I want to feel like I'm successful too, and like I deserve that success.

God...it's after 12 now, happy 30th of January lol.

Buenos noches.

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