what matters and why

new thoughts

Maybe I made a mistake in requesting that we come here and start over. It doesn’t appear that we are making any progress toward a healthy relationship. If anything, it feels like we are slipping further and further apart. Maybe I was wrong in making the assumption that I could just move on after last year. Whatever I felt for you last summer is gone. Whatever feeling caused me to make the decision to rebuild our lives together has quickly faded. It’s very unfortunate considering this situation. We are here alone, and must take on the challenge of a new child when we barely look at each other. I think we could have made this move two years ago and we would have been capable of handling the challenges that come with this kind of change. But now, we barely speak. There’s so much to say, but no words to express it. Maybe I was wrong. I’ve wanted so badly to move and start a new life somewhere else for so long, I jumped at this opportunity without considering the consequences. I’m fairly certain we won’t make it through this without professional help, which you seem very unwilling to seek out on your own. Your attitude lately seems to be “what I don’t know won’t hurt me” and I’m sure that will continue unless you really discover how much damage you do when you behave that way. You close yourself off from any affection from me.

If I recall correctly, it was you who first suggested we move away together. It was you who cried desperately begging me to stay when I wanted to go. It was you who said you would do anything to have me. You were the one who was excited for a new son that came in the middle of a broken marriage. You came back into my life when you were well aware that I wasn’t ready for that. I feel like I worked so hard to get past what you did to me, and then somehow, you sucked me back in, and here I am. It’s like we’re right back where we started a year and a half ago, right before you started having an affair. Your behavior is a mirror image of that time. You’re depressed. You don’t want to do anything around the house, you turn down invitations and don’t seem to want to go anywhere or do anything. You can’t sleep, you leave in the middle of the night when things aren’t going well. Work that needs to be done will go unfinished. You’ll resent that I don’t do it, and I will do the same. What are doing to make me believe that it won’t happen again? Already I’m preparing myself for another letdown. I don’t where I would go, or what I would do, but I think I could deal with it emotionally because I expect it to happen. I don’t want to get close to you because it will hurt that much more. What kind of life is this? I’m constantly anticipating your infidelity. You resent everything I do. All the things you disliked about me before, you forgot because we didn’t live together. You’ll use that against me when you stray this time.

You came to me in July and suggested there might be a possibility of her living here also. I respected that it was you who told me that and no one else. We decided to move anyway with the assumption that it was just a rumor. You told me your work would be at a different location and that her presence would not be an issue. The funny thing is, your cell phone bill confirms that there was still contact between the two of you at that time. While you looked me in the eye and told me you had not spoken with her in months, you blatantly lied. I’m convinced now that you not only knew she was coming well ahead of time, but possibly that it was planned that way. There were phone calls made to her all the way through early August. I did not hear from you that she actually moved here, but someone else, even though you would have had to know. When I came to visit for the first time, you nonchalantly mentioned that she worked just across the office. You changed your cell phone number so I would feel better, but somehow, she got a hold of it anyway, despite your claims that “she’s moved on.” My problem is not that I believe something is happening in the present time, but that the possibility is always there. She will never go away. I truly believe that she would jump at the chance to be in your life again, and as desolate as our marriage has been lately, how could you refuse her? I came to you a while back with issues about a hotel room, a breakfast for two, and her email in the history on your computer. I think my complaints were legit, although you dismissed it and looked at me like I was crazy. I think you lied to me then, and I believe you would still lie about the situation if I were to bring it up now. I will never know if it has completely stopped. I don’t think you are strong enough to turn down an offer of attention, whether it’s from her or someone else who comes along. I won’t fight for you this time. I don’t have enough passion left in me to go through that again.

There is one thing that I’ve learned about you through all this. You are the most convincing liar I have ever met. You can look at someone and tell them exactly what they want to hear and you are completely believable. Your personality is such that one would conclude that you are genuine. I think you even believe yourself sometimes. It’s scary to be married to someone like that.

I think there is one thing you have learned through all this. You have learned that you are able to manipulate me into doing whatever you want. Through a little convincing, a little lying, I will always be by your side. You’ve learned that you can always stay one step ahead of me. As long as you are prepared for my questions, you’ll always have a reasonable answer despite what’s really going on. You’ve learned where my weaknesses are, and how to play a game of deceit where I am always the loser.

Suspicion and jealously are horrible traits to live with. They are ruining my life, and consuming so much of my energy, there is none left to be the mother and wife I need to be. The worst thing about living this way is that the kids are the ones who suffer. They will grow up never experiencing a healthy relationship between two people, and I believe that truly damages one’s personality. Your actions have changed me into a person I don’t want to be. I will work on myself, but as far as us making it through this together, I have serious doubts.