My True Soul

Is it true?

The other day I decided to give Halee a link to the site that has the majority of my poetry on it. She was asking for me to pick a poem of mine and send it to her via snail mail. Didn't feel like it, anyways, I don't kno which one to pick. So she read several, even the big long 6 page one detailing several parts of my life and how I felt until.. I was at least 17. Well, she told me it kinda surprised her in a few ways. She said one was more violent than she ever knew me to be. And the other, well, she never realized... as her mom put it, that I could be that full of love. I thought about that after she said it, several of those poems are like that. And yeah... I suppose she's right, but I'm not sure. Whenever I've been with someone and some other girl/guy has gotten to know me, they've always been like "whomever is so lucky" and I just shrug it off. The people that have liked me, they hold a high opinion of me. Of course, to be expected. But the ones that have known all the little nitty gritty things, wowl. And my friends who have thought that, wow. And some people try to tell me I'm such a catch... but... lol. So it just amuses me to hear that I'm so full of love, but after thinking about it, I suppose I can see why.

I am just who I am.

The other night, I had 2 people online say my name at the same time and I just sat there looking at the combination of letters, of sounds, and thinking "that is what represents who I am in a way...how odd. Is that really my name or not? Is that really who I am?" and all this junk over my name.

I helped tutor 2 people last night...or I helped them study. One of them, she's... definitely got a learning problem. But, just... how she acts drives me insane. AND SHE SWIPED MY PENCILS! Um, yeah. But she wants me to explain math, and yes, me tutoring someone in math... but I mean, HOW MANY ways can you explain something with math? I'd explain 3 different ways, she'd want a 4th. And then, he lets us write some things in our books because we have to use these tables from the book... there are CLUES written as headings for the Table... it's right there! And I tell her this, she doesn't get it. So after about an hour of helping her last night and 2 hours on sunday, she tells me she still has no clue what she's doing. What am I supposed to do, eh? The other girl, okay she's in a wheelchair where she has to have a joystick due to not being able to actually roll the wheels, she can't speak many words clearly at all, but yet, it was EASIER to work with her than with the other girl who could write/speak plainly.

Then, the pencil-stealer, lol, she told me she graduated from H.S. in 98, I told her I did in 2003... she's like "whoa, you're a youngin" but... she originally thought I was pushing 22.

And this girl in my lab class, she and I have talked a few times, but she shocked the hell outta me cause she knew my name. I so didn't expect that. But for whatever reason, she's so cute. Personality I think. But yeah, it was fun talking to her for the like 5-10 minutes I did today. That's the sad thing about being in college, you're in a class, get to know some people, then you never see them again and it's like it doesn't matter.

Went out to lunch with Tyler, actually hung around him most all this afternoon since I didn't have Spanish. I just walked over to his apartment after I got out of class, it was nice to be able to do that. I know he and I get along, but, I've found out I don't really like dominating a conversation, but I do sometimes. And I try not to, try to let him bring things up, and it seems we just sit there then. Some people just aren't talkative and apparently, I am sometimes and with some people. But I can talk about stupid little things and jump into serious conversations, then jump out.

And I think, in a way, I'd really like to teach some during my lifetime. I like being able to take things, explain it to someone, bring it to their level, and have them feel good because they understand it.

And I've figured out while I'm not particularly sure if I want kids, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want them. Or someone who doesn't like kids. And in fact, most of the people I've liked, they adore kids and kids adore them. It's a weak-spot for me I suppose.

I talked to Eric last night as well. I haven't talked to him in about 3 weeks. I'm always happy after I talk to him, which for a while left me feeling pretty confused cause... I didn't know why I was happy. But basically? I think talking to Eric lets me know there is still something worthwhile in this world. I love that boy to death but because I admire him. And my cousin, we talked about him, she's convinced he and I will be together because I don't think she can understand having that much respect for someone without it having romantical feelings attached. I love talking to Jake and Tyler as well, but not in the same way. And the majority of the friends I talk to now are guys...
Shorty is one of the few girls that I talk to still that I actually know in person.

And Halee is not single anymore, YAY!