Life as we know it sucks

I'm Just Lying to Myself

Current Mood: eh, just here

Current Music: Drop it like it's hot (I loooove this song)

So much for being happy. Seeing Shane Sunday made me so happy and then seeing Christopher fucked all that up. In a way, I want to stop blaming myself and blame him . . . to give me a reason to hate him and not want to be friends. I think that's what he wants anyway. Oh well.

In 4th, he and I aren't talking, but he feels the need to talk to everyone else. He flirted with Ashton (or so I thought) and he did it on purpose. If he liked her, she would fuck him over so much worse than I and she wouldn't care, I do care, but he doesn't want to fucking hear that. So, what's the use?

When I say I'm going to stop apologizing or I don't care I know I'm just lying to myself to make myself feel better. Thing is, it's not working. I want him to realize that I care and I want him as a friend. *sigh* He will never trust me again and it looks like he won't ever forgive me either. Oh well. Shit happens.

I had a breakdown this afternoon. I was putting clothes in the dryer and I was silently crying and then it just got to be too much. I collapsed and starting bawling my eyes out and rocking back and forth murmuring senseless shit. I can't take this and I'm not even the one whose heart got broken this time. I broke someone's heart and it rips me up just like if I were the one whose heart got broken. Like with Matt. I mean, I'm cutting, I'm suicidal, I hate myself and well, life sucks . . . then you die.

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"I love you" is only 8 letters . . . then again, so is "bullshit."