Life as we know it sucks

Please.....

Current Mood: depressed

Current Music: none

You know what I hate? Or rather who . . . Myself. I wish I had the guts to fucking kill myself. Plunge a knife into my heart and through my tiny body. I hate what I do to people. I hate it. I realize what I do to people, but I can't stop. I just wish I could die so I could end this misery. This misery I heap upon myself and of course, more importantly, others. The misery, disappointment, hurt - you name it, I cause it.

What the hell is wrong with me? Why did I let it go on for so long, God? Why?! Please tell me! What the fuck is wrong with me?! I care about Christopher and he cared about me before I fucked with his heart. Before I fucked everything up because I always do!

Oh God, please help me. Please give me the strength. Give me the strength not to resort back to old habits, old ways . . . That will just disappoint everyone all over again! And remember, I hate doing that. It seems I do it all the time . . . or have been doing it a lot more often than usual. *sigh* Oh please . . . just kill me! I don't deserve to live if this is all I do to people! Disappoint and hurt them because God knows I hate doing that. I punish myself for doing that!

Oh, I ache! I ache for you, Lord! I just don't feel like You're there for me anymore. What's happened? Did I disappoint You, too? Just like everyone else?!
Please tell me no!

I've hit rock bottom. Depression? I don't know . . . around there somewhere. Suicidal thoughts and thoughts of abandonment usually aren't existent when I'm happy. So, I think I'm falling . . . again. Please tell me what to do, Lord. I can't do it without You . . . I'll just die if You're not on my side . . .

~ Yours Truly

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"I love you" is only 8 letters . . . then again, so is "bullshit."