trapped in a soap opera

why the hell am i so fucked up

yeah another one of those seems like thats all i ever write. i really have missed this shit--writing. online journals are so cleansing because its like im not keeping everything ot myself but the people who read it are a thousand miles away and i wont ever meet them. so i get to get my shit out but not to my firends (yeah right like i have any anyway) who hold it against me later when i have a moment.
just for the record i dont know what to do about tymm. yesterday we were in memphis talking about our future and getting married--this afternoon hes telling me to get the fuck out and not come back--he never means that shit when he says it but it hurts all the same. there are so many things i swore id never do again and here i am doing them. im with a guy with a temper who is jealous and irrational when hes mad who doesnt listen and makes everything my fault (this is where the i cdant talk to my friends thing comes in cause its just me bitchin sort of and theyd hold it against him). overall were happy as fuck but about one week a month we fight all the time. everything it seems is about em which i realize that im not perfect and i do a lot of shit, but at the same time im willing to admit that--it seems like he doesnt realize or doesnt care that he does sometimes.
im afraid hell try to come in here and get mad cause im writing and i wont let him read it and think im talking to another guy...sometimes he gets so mad for no reason i swear. and if he does shit that pisses me off then i cant say anything cause then we fight and its all my fault etc. sometimes i want to spend the rest of my life with him and sometimes i think i need to cut my losses while i still can.
well truthfully i cant right now because ive spent most of my money that i got for school on other shit i needed. so moving out is not an option. i love him so much but sometimes i wonder if this is going to work. its so hot/cold were either so in love or about to kill each other. i just dont know what to do. im all of a sudden in another situation that i would advise someone else not to be in but yet im in it myself. hell anyway anyone has any comments then send them my way--and this is not the whole picture im just tired and weve been fighting since we got back from memphis (memphis was and incredible time by the way i dont knwo what happened since then) well i need to go before he comes in here and tries to read this. later all (even though i dont think anyone is still reading this anymore since ive been gone so long)