Journal

Summer

I've been taking medicine (herbs from the grocery store) for about a year now and I haven't told anyone but my best friend, who told me about them. They've worked pretty well, I feel a lot better. I'm excited for my senior year of high school but I have a feeling that college is going to be extremely lonely. I'm not so good at talking to people. It seems like I get sad when I'm around people, but I get lonely without them. Oh well, I'll figure it out somehow. I went to music camp and I didn't make any friends, probably because I was there with a friend from school who is even more antisocial than me. My best friend tells me that being around me too much makes her really sad. She's really my only friend, so this kind of sucks for me. I just sort of force happiness out all the time around her and I joke and stuff and she seems to like it better. But I always get the feeling she'd rather be with her boyfriend or her other friends when she's with me. Not like she's mean or anything, she's with me most of the time because I don't really have anyone else. I'm sure this journal is soooo very interesting. Blah blah blah.

Anyway. Next year I get to take art classes! It's so exciting. I play cello in a band called Seductrio. It's a rock/jazz/noise band. Mostly rock. I want to practice more but my brother (guitarist) hasn't set it up yet... I think we have a show coming up. Oh well... anyway. My best friend's closest friend besides me is this guy who really really likes her, and he is also a rude, cocky, self-centered asshole 71% of the time. She says it makes her uncomfortable that he flirts with her and stuff, but she flirts back. So then she gets pissed at me for not wanted to be around him. One, he has a jerky personality, and two, I don't want to be around them if they're all flirty all the freaking time. So like once or twice a week she'll get pissed at me about it and then she'll be all sorry and tell me she loves me a million times. I would say it's confusing but I kind of expect it now so it's not.

I feel like there's something wrong with me. Even dancing with a guy makes me feel cheap and disgusting. I can't handle it when a guy touches me. I went to prom with this guy who is perfectly nice, but he didn't know of a way to show me he liked me other than touching me and making it blatantly obvious that he wanted to make out with me. I went home and wanted to kill myself that night, or at least slice myself up a lot. Why do I feel that way? I didn't let him do anything to me, I only danced with him, is grinding with a guy a sexual act? Sure he touched me, he pulled me so I was sitting between his legs and he was stroking my thighs and it felt really really wrong. So I told him I wanted to dance some more and we did. He tried to kiss me later when we were at his friend's house and watching a movie but I laid down on his lap so he couldn't. Then I accidentally fell asleep and I woke up and he had been stroking my face for so long that it hurt. Stupid boys. Isn't it supposed to be fun to make out and stuff? I only want to kiss someone if I really love them. The only person I kiss is my best friend because I really love her, it's not like sexual or anything, that's just how I say "I love you." I didn't do anything, so why does it make me want to hurt myself so badly? I don't get it. I've seriously considered the possibility that I'm a lesbian, but that doesn't seem right either. It's like I'm not attracted to either sex, to anyone, and anyone touching me or loving me or me loving anyone just seems very very wrong. I don't know. If anyone actually reads this and has felt this way, please tell me, it would be appreciated. I feel like a freak! Eh, I know I'm a freak :) It's all good though. It's more interesting that way. Could be worse, I could have been born without sexual organs. Or with both! That would be no fun at all.