Monkeys

Catch up- 2 weeks worth

So I sat at home, on my non-internet friendly pc, and typed and typed for the last few weeks. Here they all are. Sorry if you get bored.

6/2/04

I need a beer. I say that an awful lot lately. But I don't go get one nearly as much as I say I need one. Tonight? Yeah, I need one. I woke up so sick to my stomach that it wasn't even funny, and then worked a full 8 hours instead of the 4 it was originally supposed to be. I'm tired, and I'm crabby. I want Joshua to come home. He is over at Chalanna's. I think. That was the plan, but plans can certainly change. I miss him. Part of it is that the last few nights, he has stayed up late on the computer and come into bed well after I was asleep. Another part is that yesterday I managed to make him angry with me....at something I thought he would be grateful for. I guess it's all part of figuring out the person you love, and adjusting to what they want from you, ya know? Anyways, so tonight, when Chalanna called, I told him to go ahead and go. If he stays home, he'll only end up on the computer again, and then he'll regret it later on in the week when she is really missing him. So yeah. Go ahead and go. And yeah, I could have gone....well maybe I could have gone. I don't even know that anymore. But I guess I could have if I had insisted. But then again, I know for a proven fact that it makes Chalanna feel better when I am not around, because it can be just her and Joshua again, like it used to be. It is easier just to stay away and do my own thing when I am by myself. At least that way I know I am welcome.

Sometimes I don't know what I can and cannot post in here. I mean....really. It's rough because I don't know who reads it anymore, and the last thing I want to do is piss anyone off. But I guess here goes.

This last Saturday, I had planned a girls' night at my house. Literally been planned for 3 weeks. Well, planned longer, but 3 weeks ago I had all the RSVPs in. At the last second, Heather bailed. saying that she doubted she could find her way here, Joelle bailed, because Aaron unexpectedly came into town (don't blame her for that one. I'd have done the same thing) Beth bailed saying that she couldn't get here.....which anyone of us would have went and got her- all she had to do was let us know- Sarah told her mom that she would watch her little brother- this came about the day before.....so her mom could go to a party. And Sota just didn't show up and has been avoiding me all week. Yeah. So a lot of effort went into that. And it wasn't about me. It was about most of the girls sitting around saying that they have no friends yada yada yada and me offering a place to have a get together, so that everyone could get to know everyone a little better. And it downright pissed me off.

Along with that, Joshua and I have been having some issues. I won't go into detail about what, but it hasn't been pretty. Some minutes it is, and others, it isn't. I sometimes feel like I've robbed him. I guess I have forced him into something he didn't want to do. At least that is how he acts sometimes. Yeah- can't say much more than that otherwise the whole thing will come out, I'll end up bad mouthing him, and then it'll all really get ugly.

On an upside? I did get to see Buddha and Wu this last weekend. They came over for a bit and hung out....which was great considering that Buddha is off to MI and Wu is on his missions trip over near Russia. And Joelle and Sarah are gone for the summer......working for the MBA. So...yeah.

I want a day off from work. I get Sundays off....and work the other 6 days. That is mainly because I chose that to avoid working longer days. But this week is crazy. Tomorrow, I have to do another 8 hour day instead of 4, and that sucks because I'm still working 6 days, but longer hours. Yeah. And corporate offices is there too. Been busy.

So.....it's time for another list of things I've learned in the last few months: (some humorous, some serious)

*Shoes can wear underpants
*Real friends will come through for you when you really need it, and sometimes when you don't even know it
*Krispy Kream Donuts really do taste better when you just watched them get made
*I shouldn't have left my journals in my car
*My brother misses me almost as much as I miss him
*The pool is really really cold. Regardless of how warm it is outside
*I can design computer programs
*My car is special needs
*When you've been away from home for several months, and you go home, it's okay to get spoiled
*If I buy something new, and we still have some left over from last time, the new will be opened before the old is used
*It is not difficult to get to my house
*When you point out the truth to people, they don't like it. Especially if it involves their significant other
*I miss some of my friends here in KC more than some of my friends in NY
*I twitch in my sleep
*The harder I try to keep something nice, the quicker it gets ruined
*Joelle and Aaron may not sit on my couch again
* I miss toast
*The guy who lived in the apartment before us sold drugs out of it
*Joelle and Aaron both look at you through slits in their eyes so you don't know they are awake.
*My dad misses me, and wants Joshua and I to move to New York. (I'm sure that has something to do with the granchildren)


And that is about it. I've actually learned a lot more, but I'm brain dead right now. I'm just typing this up for something to do and a way to waste time. Well, kudos to anyone who read this whole thing. I know it cannot have been easy. :)

Remaining in her own little world,
Beckie




June 6th, 4:33am

By the time anyone actually gets to read this, this will all be known. But you know, it sometimes just feels better to put things in writing. As most of you know, through posts, Joshua's grandfather on his mom's side has been overly ill. He's been "living his last hours" for about a month. Well, this afternoon, after I got off of work, I checked my messages, and Joshua's mom, Donna, had called. Severak times. The last one being about 1/2 an hour before I got home. She kept saying "please call me. Please. It's not good." So I told Joshua that we were going to the hospital, and then called to tell ehr we were on our way. When I saw him, I knew that today would be it. He would never see the sunrise. But regardless, we sat there, and just supported who needed support, allowed a very few tears to slip out, and sat with him so that Grandma and Donna could go and eat something somewhere other than a hospital room. A little while after they got back, we headed home. I didn't sleep much last night, and was at work at an ungodly hour. So we got home around 6:30, and I fell asleep. I dozed on and off for almost 4 hours. Then I snapped awake, and called the hospital for an update. They said that his status had not changed, and that they were still keeping him in comfort measures. Something told me to go there anyway. So I got a quick shower, sent Joshua to the store for milk, mad some fresh muffins to take with us, and headed out. When Donna saw us, she started to cry. This woman has been living her life at the hospital with Grandma, bedside for about 3 months. But so, we gave them some muffins, and just hung out. Again, I knew that he wasn't going to make it, and it was at that point that I realized how little strength Donna and Grandma had left. We sat and talked, just being around him. Joshua's cousin Rachael was already there when we got there, and about 1am, his cousin Stephen came in, saying that he ahd just woken up and knew that he needed to come to the hospital. About 2am, Stephen was needing to leave, and get back home, and he leaned down to talk to Grandpa, saying that he was going home, and that maybe Grandpa should too, and not to worry, that Stephen would take care of his sisters, Grandma, Donna, and his dad. Stephen walked out of the door, and as the elevator rang, grandpa took his last breath. Rachael tried to catch Stephen, but he was already gone. After that last breath, there was one last gasp, and a whole body jerk, and he was gone. At 2:07am, a little over 2 hours ago, he passed into Heaven. (By the way, he was just recently saved)

So....that is how Joshua and I spent our anniversary. But well worth it. He needed to be there for his mom and Grandma. I'm so glad we went.

June 7th, 2004

So....this whole typing up my journal, but not getting to post online thing is getting old. I want to put this all online. Eventually I guess. Today's entry...."So when is enough enough?" That's what I am going to write about. Enough is enough when someone gets hurt. Enough is really enough when it is a life changing sort of hurt. Enough is enough when it becomes all about you all the time. Enough is enough when you don't even realize it anymore. I cannot begin to express how completely sick and tired I am of watching enough be enough and nobody realizing it.

Example: I've got this female friend who feels like she should be with this one guy. Great. Only this one guy isn't that great to her or for her. I watch her fight with him, I watch her tell him off. Then I watch him minipulate her into feeling like she is nothing without him and they are meant to be together. Great. Really. I mean, who wouldn't want to be with a guy who tells her what to do, who invades her space, and who totally dictates EVERYTHING she does???? Enough is enough already.

I don't know. For over a year now, I've been watching this go on and on. And I don't want to watch it anymore.


June 12, 2004

OKay- this crap at work has got to stop. I love my job.....I really really do. I just can't stand my manager anymore. There are so many double standards there that it isn't even funny anymore. I can't do this.

June 15th, 2004

Okay- well I don't have to stand it anymore. On Sunday night, they called me to tell me I am fired, and that it's because "We don't like you anymore, and we can't change your personality, so we're going to have to let you go." Nice huh? Fighting it though. Been on the phone with corporate offices since yesterday morning, and as we speak, there is an investigator out there at the restaurant. We'll have to wait and see what happens.

June 18th, 2004

Yada yada.....I should just go ahead and start with that. This way, you can skip my senseless rant that is not going to do anyone any good anyway. So...yeah.

The truth about women....

We say you can go out, but we're silently pleading with you not to

If we wake you up in the middle of the night, it isn't just to say hi. We must need you for something.

Even if we tell you that we aren't in the mood to have guys touching us, a arm around the shoulders, or a hand on the knee isn't going to hurt....us or you.

If we say that we'd like to have your friends over for dinner, we are probably not being honest.



So there ya have it. Another insight to us. Read it again, learn it. Apply it.


June 19th, 2004

So today, I do believe I am going to try and take this to Eric's and put in my journal. We'll see if that plan works out. If it does, then great....you'll all be fairly caught up. If it doesn't, well.....then you'll never know you missed it and simply see me as a slacker. Hopefully the first. That'd be nice. :) Eric and Heather came over last night, and I learned that Eric cannot make her do anything she doesn't want to do. Which is funny coming from him.
Well, I need to get moving...so I'll be around. I think.



Bek