Just Jul Lee

Sorry So Sad

DATE: May 10,2004

I don’t know why I am feeling like this lately. I think of all the ways I’ve messed up, all the ways that I’m useless. My brother threatened to send my puppy to the pound. My first thought was that I would kill myself and that thought hasn’t left me.

I have thought of different ways to die, different ways to kill myself but I know that I am just pleading with people to help me. I don’t really want to die.

But no one can help me because there is nothing wrong with me. I am just a single girl living with her mother, broke all the time, failing at everything. I have realized that there is really no point to my existence.

The one thing I can admit is that my mother and friends would be very sad if I died. I wouldn’t want to cause them any more pain than I already have.

I thought about flowers today as well. I wondered if a man would ever send me flowers, if I would want them. I ponder the fact that my friends and I are still single and I know that I am meant to be alone. I am not the marrying kind.

My future has stretched out before me, bleak and dark, and I feel tears gathering in my eyes.

I prayed earlier, told God to help me, to remove the depression. I was doing rather well after that but then my mom called.

I know I need to move out but it seems as though God holds me where I am so that I can get out of debt. I understand the logic and I know that I can make it through but I don’t want to go home.

If my brother got rid of my puppy I don’t know what I will do. He is just cruel enough to do it or to make me think he did it. He always says hateful things, always makes me look in the mirror afterward and debate my worth, like most the men in my life. They don’t understand me.

They just don’t understand how lonely I am, how miserable I feel and I can’t tell them because there truly isn’t a reason for it. God showed me today how blessed I am, although it may not appear that way, and yet I feel like weeping uncontrollably.

I don’t expect you to understand or sympathize. In fact, I don’t expect anyone to read this at all. I waited all day, waited to see if I’d feel better and I admit that I did for awhile. It’s just that its back and I’m going home in twenty minutes.

The one upside is that I’m walking now so it’s not like I’ll be home right away. I don’t know what I’ll do if his car is there. I just don’t know where I can go or what I can do if he’s home. I don’t want to see him.

I don’t want to see anyone.

This is the pain I recall so forcefully…I haven’t got a way to express how I feel and so I will keep it inside, as I always have, and pray that tomorrow I’ll feel like me again.

JUST JUL LEE