Seriously?!

Lessons in Disappointment

It seems that I am to be continually disappointed in Todd for one reason or another. He recently won a $5,000 cash prize for one of his commercial submissions to a contest through university and did he once mention using some of that money to come out and see me? NO. He talked about setting up a studio and buying this expensive professional camera and maybe using it for a decent car, blahblahblah. But coming to see his girlfriend? Didn't occur to him I guess.

Am I being selfish? Yes, without a doubt. But I miss him terribly and I feel that if he really were interested in seeing me he'd make the effort no matter what. But then I start making excuses for him: he's working at two jobs, going to school full-time, having to work on Quiet Hours and graduation is at the end of May, so it's not like he's sitting around on his ass looking for something to do.

(Speaking of his graduation, I want to be there, but I haven't any money for the flight or any time off for the drive and there a karate tournament that same day that I have to attend. Now who's making excuses?)

But it would just be nice if he suggested it, is all. Just to let me know that it occured to him and that he wants to be with me. As it is, I need him out here to keep me away from other men. Four years of him being waaaay far away and out of my bed is getting old and I'm having a hard time not lusting after other people. Not to say that we haven't had sex in four years, GOD NO! But the visits that I make there and the ones he makes here are too infrequent. And I know that if they're too infrequent for me then they are definitely too infrequent for him.

Not to say that I think he's been fooling around on me or anything. I trust him. I trust him, and about every 3-4 months I ask him if he's interested in seeing anyone else. He always says no. If he were to say "Yes", then my feelings would be hurt, but I'd understand. People have needs. Him and me included.

In my own defense I will have to say that in that entire four years, I haven't really been interested in any other guy until CPI came along recently. Todd's encompassed pretty much everything I want: humor, extreme intellegence, wit, excellent conversation, fantastic sex (when we have it), looks, the whole shebang. The only thing Todd lacks that CPI has is proximity. And the whole karate thing. That's pretty hot.