Some Writing Work and Work in Progress

Show, Don't Tell

These are a couple of prompts given by kan2124 in the Newsletter for Authors dated 17th March 2004.

The paragraphs at A and B below are "Tell" paragraphs. We are supposed to convert them to "Show" paragraphs. That is to say, we must not "tell" but "show" the readers what we wish to share with them.

A. Sandra is a 6'1" high school junior who plays basketball and volleyball. She excels in athletics, but feels very awkward and self conscious about her height off the court. Tim is a 5'7" freshman who has a major crush on Sandra, but prefers the Maya-Kemi baseline (mathematics) over baseline free throws. Prom is coming up and Tim desperately wants to ask Sandra to go. He sees Sandra sitting apart from the other athletes at lunch.
The scene: Tim walks over to Sandra with the intention of asking her to prom.

Tim looked at the tall high school junior girl who sat alone at the table in the school canteen. She is so beautiful! Why doesn't she realise that I adore her?

He put his "Advanced Mathematics for Freshmen" back in his satchel that hung from his medium unkempt body-frame, and wiping a trickle of sweat from his brow, he hesitantly approached the table.

Sandra looked up at him and hurriedly look away. He's always looking out for me. Yesterday, I saw him from where I was shooting the ball in the basket. The hunk made me miss such an easy basket! And the other day, at the Beach Spikers Carnival too ...

Her thoughts were interrupted by Tim.

"Er ... Miss Sandra? Excuse me?" he began.

Sandra raised her eyebrows, but her heart beat a rapid tattoo against her chest. I wonder what he wants.

Tim could barely mouth the next sentence, so anxious was he. He brought forward his hand, with a long-stemmed yellow rose held in it and offered it to Sandra.

"Will you please be my partner for the prom dance coming Saturday?"

B. It's a typical early March day in the Midwest, which means it's chilly, the wind is blowing in all directions, and there's always a threat of rain. Amber has a job interview today. This is the first interview she's had to go on in 3-4 years. She didn't work while married, but now that her husband has left and filed for divorce, she has no other choice. She's picked out a dark grey pencil skirt and a light grey shirt. A trench coat and black pumps complete the outfit.
The scene: Amber must deal with the elements, as well as her nerves and emotions, as she makes her way to the job interview.

Amber wiped the frost from the inside of the glass window that framed the dreary morning sky outside. She felt equally down in the dumps as she braced her shoulders with her hands and sighed at the prospect of going out for the interview at General Motors.

It is getting so difficult to survive since Matt left me. I must go for this interview. It is my only chance to re-organise my life. After the divorce has come through, at least I'll be able to walk with my head held high!.

She switched off the NBA match on the TV and went to her wardrobe to select the dress.

This grey and black ensemble should look very dignified with my black pumps. Suits the weather too!

She put on her light grey shirt, pulled up the darker skirt that went with it, and collected her trench coat and walked up to her new pumps and put her feet inside them. Picking up the resume file, she went out of her dingy room, shutting the door calmly behind her.

The strong gale-like wind buffeted her as soon as she stepped outside. She immediately put on the coat and hunching her shoulders down, she proceeded ahead.

- ##Dr.Taher##



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