Just Jul Lee

Nothing

NOTHING
November 24, 2003

I sit here and wonder why I must be subjected to life. I often wonder why God didn't kill me when I was assured a place in Heaven. I used to believe that He spared me because I have some great purpose. That is just fog now, surrounding and evaportating.

I feel as though I should be stronger but I can't bring myself to weep. I am a failure, that much is evident. I still have been unable to lose weight, even after numerous attempts.

I finally have a friend, someone that actually wants to hang out with me, but now someone is moving in again. Her intent: to destroy the friendship and steal the friend. The sad part is that she doesn't care about my friend.

Living this life of mine is enough to make me sad, to make me ponder the lack of sunshine. So? What brought this on?

My mother, as usual. We are going on a long road trip in two days and I seriously doubt I'll be able to handle it. God is telling me to bite my tongue, that I'll only be living with her one more month. Can I do it? I hope so.

I am trying to be me but I don't know who I am. What does it matter? I am sinking deeply into that well once more, hating the holiday season and dreading the tears that always come with the gifts.

My father hasn't spoken to me. I sent him the letter (finally) and he still doesn't get it. I guess I don't have a father, not truly. What am I supposed to do?

I've become a recluse again. I spend large amounts of time in my room. Tonight we're supposed to take pictures at Wal-Mart. I'm hoping that doesn't happen. I don't want to fake a smile and act like we're all one big happy family.

My brother's girlfriend is expecting a baby. They are supposed to get married at the end of January. I'm still single but I'm not complaining. I think I'm happier single. I think I have a greater chance at happiness without a husband/boyfriend.

I can't express in this journal just how worthless my family can make me feel. There are days when I feel loved, when I actually feel that despite all my shortcomings and failures, I am loved. Today, my brother called and hurt me and my mom hung up on me. Today isn't one of those days when I feel loved.

Thanksgiving is around the corner, another year with the lies. We're going to Montana this year, hopefully it will be a better trip. I'm sick of failing, sick of losing, I want to win. I just hope I don't complain about the prize when I do win.

Well, I guess I should tell you some of the positive things. I am published. I can't recall if I mentioned that in one of my earlier entries or not. I'm still planning on becoming an actress. I'm not planning on moving to California until 2005 because God told me to stay here for another year. I may be housesitting for five months, living rent free. Then I'm planning to move to Albuquerque. My friend may move with me. I can't say for sure yet.

My fish died. My cats are still alive as are my dogs. My second manuscript has been submitted to PublishAmerica for consideration and I am in the Christmas play at church. I don't want to talk about that though.

Otherwise, despite what I mentioned above, all is well here. I hope all is well where you are also. Thanks for listening.