The Thought's of Me!

The Outsider

The Outsider

Help me if you can
It's just that this is not the way
I'm wired. So could you please,
Help me understand why
I've given in to all these
Reckless dark desires

Lying to yourself again
Suicidal imbecile
Think about it,
Put it on the faultline
What'll it take to get it through
To you precious
Over this.
Why do you wanna throw it away like this
Such a mess. I don't want to watch you.

Disconnect and self destruct one bullet at a time
What's your rush now,
Everyone will have his day to die

Medicated, drama queen, picture perfect,
No more legiments
Narcisistic, drama queen, craving fame
And all this decadance

Lying through your teeth again
Suicidal imbecile
Think about it, put it on the fautline
What'll it take to get it through to you precious
Go to this, why do you wanna throw it away like this
Such a bitch, why do I wanna watch you

Disconnect and self destruct one bullet at a time
What's your rush now, everyone will have his day to die

They were right about you
They were right about you

Lying to my face again
Suicidal imbecile
Think about it put it on the fautline
What'll it take to get it through to you precious
Come on to this ,
Why do you wanna throw it away like this
Such a mess, come to this, come to this

Disconnect and self destruct, one bullet at a time
What's your hurry, everyone will have his day to die
If you choose to pull the trigger,
Should your karma prove sincere,
Do it somewhere far away from here
--A Perfect Circle

Two addy's in a night...I'm on a role. No, it's not just because I'm bored. Truth is, I've been meaning to write this down, and right now seems like a good time to do it. Word of caution, this is a drastic mood change from that of the previous entry. If you're in an excellent, I suggest you turn back now...

Today was a very eventful day. For some reason, I don't seem as happy as I used to. Which is pretty darn bad if I start to notice it. What really got me down was seeing one of my friends, who is always in a good mood, upset this morning. That made me calm down a bit, and just sit around. Come to think of it, I've been doing that a lot lately.

Even after she cheered up, I still stayed on the ground (this was before we had to go to first period) and just sat and thought. However, it probably would have helped if my cheerful buddy had been there to give me a hug. It seems like he has been ignoring me lately. I kind of miss talking to him, he was a good friend and was always there to cheer me up.

First and second period were uneventful, I just sat around. The usually...Before third period is when I see my buddy. I got a hug, and he said he was getting checked out. That sort of made the day grow slightly more gloomy, since he also had my lunch and was the one cheering me up during that.

So, by the time lunch came around...I was in a pretty miserable mood. At lunch, this one guy was getting on my nerves. I realized something today, all those people I sit with at lunch...They're really annoying, and extremely immature. Except for my buddy, he's cool like that. Even more so, most of them are starting to get on my nerves. I used to call them friends, now I don't anymore.

Actually, I'm thinking about moving away from the people I normally sit with. For some odd reason, I want to have a normal conversation with people. Tomorrow, I think I'll join one of my gorgeous friends at the other tables.

Like I said, this one guy has been aggravating me a lot lately. Most of them over there have...I don't think they realize the impact their words have on me. Sometimes I know they're joking, but other times I'm not to sure. For once, I think it's time to put a stop to that.

In all reality, I'm tired of it all...Being a push-over and all that. Almost happened today..That one annoying guy, I almost pushed him off the wall. He probably would have fallen and broken a bone, but he would have known not to mess with me like he was. Want to know the funny thing? At that moment in time, I didn't care if he hurt himself. Okay, so it's not that funny...But, it's the honest truth.

On the bus was no different...Almost like lunch, but without the annoying guy...Annoying girl this time, and preppies. I wonder if I could just drop out of school and get my GED. Though, I don't think my parents would take fondly to that. Maybe I could switch schools and start a new life? Highly unlikey..I guess I'll just have to fix the one I have now.

My dad was talking to me the other day, and he told me that I could trust him, and tell him stuff. Basically, he went through that 'I want to be a good father' speech. Through, he added his own special twist to it. The whole time he was talking I kept wondering what he'd say if I told him I was bisexual. I even thought about telling him for a moment...Then, I was even going to tell him who I was going out with. After that, I would have spilled out all my troubles. Comforted in my father, I really wanted to. Does that tell you have bad my conflicts are? In the end, I didn't tell him any of it. I don't know if I regret it now, though.

Somebody once told me it's bad to keep emotions bottled up inside, but I don't know what else to do with them. There is nobody that I think deserves to know all of my problems, thus the reason I don't tell anybody. But, I want somebody who I can tell...IDEA! I think I nobody somebody who'll listen...

Also, more depressing news for me...I have a big decision to make. See, I've been tearing myself apart for the last few weeks contemplating over this. It is a huge decision, but a big problem. You know were they have those cartoons were you have an angel sitting on one shoulder, a devil on the other, whispering into your ear? Right now, that's kind of what I'm going through. One side wants to do this...The other doesn't, and frankly, I don't know which side to listen to.

Well, this entry is done...I've pretty much wrote down what I wanted to...Well, mostly what I can write down here. There is more, but unfortunately for you people reading this, you'll never know.

So, summary of this entry? My life is going down-hill, and I'm in the middle of an internal conflict. I'm ending this on a sad note, but I'm in a depressing mood at the current moment. I miss my buddy, and hope to see him tomorrow though...Au revoir.

Count your blessings, before you know it they'll be gone.

Live life to the fullest, expect the best and prepare for the worst.

I can count my true friends on one hand; trust nobody and belive only in yourself.

In life, you'll always love. After true love comes death. Then, comes life again.
Moral of this quote? Love will murder you and you'll lose your soul-mate.

Pray to the stars and let the darkness guide you.