what matters and why

10/17/03

10/17/03
7:00pm

I'm tired and I'm lonely. A five year old can only hold intelligent conversation for so long. I think my brain is turning to mush. I feel fat, ugly and untalented. I know he would appreciate me to accomplish more, and do things the way he would do them. I'm feeling unchallenged and unappreciated. I'm know that I'm going about this all wrong but I don't know how to fix that. We've never been through a time like this before. I don't know how to handle it. It used to be that I was enough just the way I was. We had our differences but it was okay that I start things and don't finish. It was okay that most of the time, the house is only half way clean. The fact that my home skills are worthless meant nothing to him. It was funny. We would joke about my burnt food and wrinkled clothes. Now I think it's irritating him and he doesn't know how to tell me. Used to be that his attraction to me would override every fault that I had. Now I have to face up to my every inadequacy and I don't know how to do that. I don't take rejection well. Maybe he wants me to be more emotional, more passionate. I think that I'm boring to him now. I think maybe I have lost my ability to have fun. At least when we're together. I don't how to approach touchy situations or even how to make simple conversation anymore. I'm really good at simply avoiding the whole problem and pretending nothing is wrong. Maybe that's what bothers him about me. I don't want to think that anything is wrong. I could probably live the rest of my life and never communicate about this issue, but he needs it out right here and now. Maybe he needs to hear me say "I love you" more often. Maybe he doesn't think I mean it when I do say it. Maybe he thinks I want an easy ride and for him to take care of me financially forever. I never wanted this. I never wanted a life with no responsibility. I've never felt more useless. He makes me think I am incapable of handling even the simplest of problems. I am not to be trusted with money issues, or any big decisions. When I try to involve myself, he will hint that I have no business in that part of our lives. I never wanted to depend on anyone for anything. I realize that I don't have the career ambition that he has but I do believe that I could take care of myself. I don't think he thinks I could. It's as if I am no more important in this family that our own five year old. And now sometimes I leave tasks unaccomplished just to spite him. Not that he notices anymore. When would he have time? I hate that he thinks I am here having the time of life living on his money when in reality I am so bored and lonely that I'm falling to pieces. For six years, he's been my best friend. I have failed to hold together any other relationship. He's all I had and now there's nothing left for us to say. Where do I go from here? I can't talk to anyone. I would He wants me to talk and I can't now. I find myself staring off into nowhere many times during the day. I feel like every inch of passion and excitement has been drained out of me and all that's left is exhaustion. I'm tired when there's no reason to be. He doesn't know where I am or what I do during the day and he doesn't care. I mentioned my boss the other day and he says, "you have a boss?" when I've been working for three months. I guess what I do is not worthy of a boss. I've stopped sharing my life. He has no energy to listen. There is so much going on for him, there seems to be nothing left for us.