My Life...

Seeing things clearer

Well, it's been like an hour since my last entry and I've calmed down slightly.
When I'm upset, I tend to overreact (as you probably know by know if you've been reading from the beginning)
At the moment, I'm feeling a kind of calm panic, if that makes sense and I'm trying to work through my problems by staying calm. Having this idea might have helped at recess today when I was having an anxiety attack, but nevermind. I'll know next time.
Okay, issue number one: Getting Lost.
I've reasoned with myself that getting lost isn't so bad.
Today I got lost twice and was able to ask students where I was supposed to go. I'm proud of myself for that. Since I don't know anyone, I don't feel embarassed about asking where to go. I guess that's one good thing about it. I know where my classes are now, so I don't have to worry. Oh, maybe I have to worry about CFS because that's in block B, but I'll worry about that tomorrow night as I don't have it tomorrow. I've decided to take things one day at a time.
ISSUE NUMBER 2: Not knowing anyone
It's easy for people to say "just introduce yourself to people" and "push yourself forward". But, I think I've done as much as I can! I'm proud of how forward I've been, certainly more than I was at my old school, but I guess it's because I only have myself to rely on.
I know two people- Barbara and this girl I met today, Adriana. I borrowed Adriana's maths book, so I'll give it back to her tomorrow and that will give me a chance to talk to her. I also kinda met this girl called Marty, who's in my maths and ancient history class. I'm not gonig to badly, I realise, but I want to meet more people. The more people I meet, the better the chances are of getting friends.
Of course, I know R and S, but seeing them would get me feeling down again and I don't want that.

ISSUE NUMBER THREE: Not having anyone to sit with at recess and lunch.
In all honesty, sitting alone today wasn't horrible.
I kept to myself and wrote a letter to Sara, which kept me from looking stupid, I think. Tomorrow, I'll just have to do the same, but I want to find somewhere less crowded so I can be by myself.
Or, maybe someone will ask me to sit with them. But probably not.
I just have to remember that recess only goes for 20 mins and lunch goes for 40. I can survive that, can't I?
It felt a bit odd, sitting there by myself, but tomorrow, I'm brinigng along my book and working on that. I've had writer's block for awhile now, but I really think I can draw on my feelings of lonliness to make my character more realistic.

ISSURE 3: Going to the bathrooms
Yes, sounds funny, I know.
I can'tr last 6 and a half hours without going to the toilet. I think it's my bladder or something that's stuffed up. But anyway, I know where the toilets are, but people always smoke in toilets and I'm too scared to go in there.
Maybe I'll go during my free period tmorrow, but what am I going to do on the other days?
I know there are senior toilets around, but I can't remember where.

Okay, I'm starting to get hysterical again.
I can imagine how this sounds to people reading this, but it's not funny to me.
No matter how hard I try to downplay my anxieteies, they're still there and I still feel horrible and sad and it doesn't stop the panic attacks and chest pains and everything associated with my new school.

I can't explain how I feel.
It's like feeling homesick, but there's nothing you cna do about it.
It's like realising that you're in over your head and it's too late to back out and there's nothing you can do to make it better.

At school, on the surface, I look confident and everything, but there's panic bubbling just under the surface that will burst out if the slightest thing goes wrong.

Sometimes when I'm there, I think something like 'okay, at my old school, they would be in cfs now" and all the good memories will come back to me and I tear up just thinknig about it.

Why is it that when I was there, I could onlyt hink of the bad things? Why wasn't I grateful for the good things?

I know I keep saying it, but WHY DID I CHANGE SCHOOLS??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

I can't do this, I can't.
I try to be brave and tell myself that this is only my second day, but I can't stop myself form panicing and crying nonstop.
What's wrong with me?

I've thought about just refusing to go.
Believe me, I spent 80 minutes thinking about it when I was supposed to be doing maths work, but I know it'll only harm me, not help me.
But, I want to just stop feeling this way.

I've thought about going to see the school welfare/counsellor person but imagine how it would look?
I've only really spent one full day there and already I can't handle it.

Maybe I should just refuse to go.

I can't handle this, I can't.

Maybe there's something wrong with me.

Why can't I adjust to change?

All i can think about is mum dropping me off tomorrow and me not being able to go into the school. I almost couldn't go in today, I swear, I nearly ran out.
I only stayed because I knew mum and dad would hit the roof if I didn't go.

They don't understand how I'm feeling at the moment. They never really do.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

I started writing this calmly and was sure I was over my crying, but now I can't stop.


All i can think about is how stupid I was to change schools.

It's CRAP going there, it really is, and I've got one year to go...One YEAR.

I can't do it, I can't.

I'm lost.

I don't know what to do.




~~Piper: I'm getting stalked by psycho killers and I hide in the shower!
Piper/Leo Harry/Ginny Ron/Hermione Dawson/Jen Pacey/Audrey Steph/Max Jack/Nina
Brooke/Deacon Amber/Rick~~