Murder Scenes that make you laugh

EXPOSED: Skylarking in a wishing well at the Mall

As amusing as the title may sound, this entry really isn't going to be all that comedic oriented.

I've decided to do something in this entry that's kind of special. I'm going to let some true feelings out in the open about how hurt I was with Crystal. I feel this is a good idea, cause it was brought to my attention that I put on such a facade, that no one really has a good idea of the amount of sensitivity on the inside.

I got a journal for Christmas from my mother and the only two entries about what I was going through, six to seven months after we broke up, I'm going to write word for word. No real poetry in this, no fiction, and no happy endings. Just my exposed heart...

Entry 1:
December 27th
"I woke up this morning and I thought of her. And again tonight before I fall asleep she will be my last thought as well. For months now this ritual has played out in my mind and it seems to never end.

I find that all my memories of her, either far and few or always present, are amazingly vivid and fresh within me. Every curve and dimple and scar...the flaws were beautiful to my eyes. And each had a name to me, but never spoken, as though I would be forsaken. I cherished every smile, nible caress, twinkle of eyes, and gathering of thoughts...and I hate myself for not remembering all of them.

My mind betrays me for letting me retain so little of her when my memories are all I have. But I do remember pain."

Entry 2:
January 3rd
"I cannot sleep at the moment. I wonder how long this burden of lonliness I'll have to cary. Feeling lost is a daily feeling for me now. Coming home to a place that seems foreign to me. I fumble with words to speak of, never fully expressing myself or who I am at the moment. All i know is that I miss her and it feels like I only have half a heart to beat. One half giving it's all to something that is no longer there and receiving nothing in return. The pain of loss is the sustinance my heart gets now. What can I say to you? I feel as though I must grasp on to some hope...that if my love for you is strong enough and never dies, that one day I may find you in my arms again. But If that never happens, at what point will I know to let you go? Tomorrow, years from now, or on my deat bed? And its so hard to let you go when my mind refuses to let me forget you. Everything has become a reminder of you to me. I live everyday in the sorrow of my memories, feeling nothing but sadness...truly knowing what lonliness is now. I've even begun to hate living at this point, because I wake everyday to the same thing...you gone from my life. And I'm not sure if it were better that you were never mine that o have missed out on what I truly wanted in my heart. But I find it crulest to have exactly what I wished for taken from me as soon as I had it. I ask myself, how and why...but there isn't anything that can answer me. Maybe when I give up looking for a reason, I'll find some beginning to a resolution for my heart. But until then, it breaks everyday in your name, Crystal."


well...there you go. A real first for everyone that's so curious to what really happened, or just wanted to know that I'm also human (instead of wickedly insane). Everything before December, was unbearable living to me. I've lost friends, grown bitter (as some can tell), put cigarettes out on my arm, bouts of random crying and god knows what else. It's just taken me a long time to cope with what happened, and I've yet to even express all the details. Honestly, this was the most powerful thing I've ever had in my life that brought me down to a point to where I kept digging myself deeper, and althought I couldn't help it, no one else could pull me out either. Love is a hard thing, but it can be extremely beautiful. It's evident the amount of pain I endured, but keep in mind that without that same amount of love there existed between me and Crystal, I would never have hurt as much.

I still don't know if I regret it.