My Life

Past Seems to catch up with you

Well to start off i wanted to say im sorry, i've been gone for so long and my quick typeing skills cause i know i mispell alot. Well last couple of days have been great. I went to a going away party at a bar in down town named woodros off richmond and wilcrest. Nice place and had a good time. We where only planning to only stay for an hour which quickly turned to 5-6 hours later and drinking talking. All these people that made shell such a great place to work for are losing their jobs. Sad to say everyone noted that they got rid of the 2 smartest people there Nathin and myself. Everyone basicly made it a party that i never got due to the way i was dismissed. But its all good we all had a good time. Met a new gal, she is also going to the Art inst. And next thing you know we are talking about music, art, and many more things. Shes a friend of nathins and we are supposed to be going out tomarrow as a group so we'll see. I got everyones cell phone numbers and they all seem to be looking for a new job. They are disbanding the helpdesk and transfuring them to india is taking over to cut costs. But my opions don;t matter i think its a big mistake and we will see when the time comes how long this plan works. This happen about past wensday. Soon after we left went and spoke to and saw some of my sisters Sority sisters. Had a good time a few more drinks and danced etc. But nothign special. Drove home spoke to a special someone that im greatful to be talking to everyday. Almost everynight im able to hear her voice that sets me to easy no matter what the problem is going on in my life (hasn;t been any till now) but she made me smile even thoe. Thanks for being there once again bree.


Well i took all my paper work and took all my tests. Also you where right gal it was the Compass test that i would have had to take. I got several loans and grants which state basicly that i will owe the art inst 12k and my total for the 7 quarters is 38k for the whole thing. So i guess thats good this is all new to me so im unsure what to think. While i was finishing everything up. I had to have my mother with me due to they would not allow me to enroll without a parent information and tax information which made it hard but this is for me not for them. And im taking care of my own shit now. Well we got into it, weather she let it slip or what, im not sure. But somone while we where there we got on this topic. And i started to think about what she said. And what everyone was saying. Even at the bar 2 people had no clue that i was involved like that. Next the look on the 3 people that did know was still, then they made a smart ass comment and i informed them yes. Everyone got quite. No suprise to me but soon the subject changed. Then i thought about it and Henry could be trying to tell me somthing but is unsure how to. Or he dosn;t want to start shit. I know how he thinks cause he did the same thing with me and him when he was dateing my sister. Not much to do other then to sit here and think about this. And the more and more i think about it. It just makes me sick. Then with me trying to save whats left of my life/sanity/pride/my personal wellbeing is being jeperdized by all these things. Which in terms is like and acceptace that i will never truely be able to escpae my past and or climb the social ladder to better my self again. I guess in a way i was spoled that i was able to get such a great job, get great pay and afford all the better things i wanted in my life. Be able to take care of the one i loved, which in turns pushed her away and into the arms of another. I at least my car which i had lost for a period of time and fighting to keep it but unsure what else to do. It seems like an never ending battle with everyone that i can never win. Is the world out to get me i truely don;t believe it. But at times it sure as hell feels like it. Not sure what else to do other then to sit here and waite and see what god, call it fate, call it destiny, preodane, or whatever the hell you want. Im not sure whats going to happen. I just know i want what i wanted or had before. HAPPINESS thats all i want. With me working full time, great job, and self pride, or self assurance. I know i'll be happy again. I have not been emotion with anyone, i've been closed off especially of the female varity. I lived with one but she was a mistake once again a gal that just wanted to go out and seem i could never do good. There was no Love involved in what we had. She was younge and i needed someone there. Well it was going to happen eventually, better to happen now then later. So glad it did. Just wished it would have happend sooner i would have been able to save alot of my money.

But shit happens right. One thing i know is that love now days dose not exists in the nation/texas/houst/or in females these days. Love is a word expressed by younge people that have not an ideal thought of what the word truely means. They only repeat what they think is right not knowing what is truely felt. Granted that it is possiable and there are people out there that know, but to those i've been with i truely dont think they knew what i gave and how i did love them when shit always got bad. People now a days are not brought up with the same morals of the past. With a belief of what is right and wrong. And so they have no self-respect for them selfs. I know how i am, yes i have good charcteristics about myself. Just as well as my bad. I truely believe thoe i have more great things about me then my bad. But maybe thas just me. Seems like you can give a 110% in a relationship and only recieve 40% back from your partner. But in most cases its not even and some times it is. The scale balences over time equaly. They may not seem balenced now. But the true test is over time is the real test if you stay to see this balence and see what its realy supposed to be like. Which could make this a memorable thought for being threw so much. But then again in this same time we all must face the fact that its also possiable that the person in quest could leave us. Or decides that this is to much for me to deal with. So they take the easy way out which is to leave and not deal with anything. This is when one or both close them selfs off. Which would only cause more problems and never turely solve anything. Everything may be solved for that instance in time but soon after it all happens again and the same problems occur. Then what close off again. Sooner or later people have to grow up and see whats in front of them and then you can stang up to your fears and see that. That its not as hard as you think. Cause once your happy, thats the only way you and your partner can truely be happy. You can only be happy with someone if you can be happy without them there. This is true in so many ways and its helped me threw alot. And reason being is i have no control over other peoples actions but i do and i can say that i made every effort there humanly possiable to be there for them or to correct the problem. So i set my mind to peace and i have no regreats.

I have wounds inside and out. But who now days dosn;t? ask your self. What makes you different then me/him/ or anyone else? Nothing. You might have a different story but this story is in told only told different then when it was told the first time. We all have experiances that have changed our lifes indefintily but thats who we are. These past things have fueled the flame for power to better our selfs. So what do now? All i know is i never forget and i repent to beg everyone to remember your past to help prepare yourself in the upcoming battels of life. I know i would never be able to forget from my first tatoo with Aubrey and Gary. To my back tatoo with Corn nut ;) shes a good gal friend of mine no one knows from baytown. And Amanda and mike went to pick me up from my second session. The first session was done with kyle for his b-day when he got his taoo. Well funny how things turn out.

I can also remember the songs and the cd i would play going to visit bree and smileing singing to the music driving fast to see her sooner. But all music stops at one point or another and then a the next track plays or you place another cd in its place. Its very simialr to relationships. Love is your music, The cd is the person your thoughts, heart, soul, and emotion lays within each track/ or thought. The emotions from those memories/ the songs are your memories of each smile and tear. Why is it we place outselfs in this place. I could remember the smile on paytons face when i would speed and drop the clutch on the ss. I remember the times i would race and everyone i race. My car had its own music. A song i could never forget, nor get tierd of. But as noted before all good music has a stopping point. untill the next begins. I remember so many things about things thats happen. Things we all wish we could change. Things that we wanted to take back what was said and done, but we can;t. We have to life with these mistakes and take them day by day like a slap in the face. And learn to live on. Strive to Scceed. I am strong, i am motivated, and I WILL BE HAPPY>! This i know, this i demand, this is what i will strive for. With or without anyone at my side. I will be me, i will continue to speak my mind, to be set free. To easy my pain to be the best me possiable. Why else would i want these things. Cause its been a while since i could look at my self in the mirror where i can honestly say ive been happy. When somones cared so much to do somthing that no ones done before. A rose is only as good as its pedals. A rose may be good for nothing, but A rose can only prik if the thorns are touched. If i remove the thorns then thier are not thorns to hurt others with. Which would make me the better rose then the rest. I repent that i will be happy god help me i will be happy.


Thoughts of the day:
Why do people do the things they do?
Why do we hurt the ones we love?
Why do people run?
Why do people cry?
Why do people Hurt?
Why do we all Hide?
Why do do what we do?