Just Jul Lee

Letter to Dad

Dad,

First, before this gets all heavy and insane, I wanted to tell you that when I saw this card I just had to get it for you. I am so glad that I got my creativity from you. You can think of a solution to anything and you are so giving to those in need that it makes me proud to be your daughter.

I decided to write this letter instead of writing inside the card. I just want to apologize for not being the daughter I should be. It seems to me that I will never be able to do all it is you and mom expect me to do. I shouldn’t feel guilty about it but I do.

I didn’t want to write this letter and send it to you on Father’s Day but I figure that if I just gave you a card you would think of how I never call and I will know that you are thinking of how I never visit.

I guess, basically, I am just rambling my feelings. I figure if you and mom can tell me how much I upset you that I should be able to say the truth to you. I am, after all, your daughter even if I fail to make you proud.

I know you love me, dad, and I love you too. Very much. I’m just selfish, I guess. It’s been so long since I’ve been able to think about things without this jaded outlook covering my thoughts. I am not sure I can make you understand what I’m feeling.

When I thought about writing this letter to you, I wondered if I should. It has been a long time that I have felt the unhealthy pressures of guilt weighing down upon me, pressing me into a mold that I don’t fit in. It isn’t my fault that life hasn’t worked out the way it was planned. I can’t be someone I’m not.

It seems as if I can’t truly go to anyone and be myself, as though I have to guard who I am. I am thinking of leaving New Mexico and moving somewhere by myself. I just want to tell you that. It’s not your fault or mom’s or anything, it’s just that I might as well be somewhere else, as alone as I am.

I told mom that there was a wall between her and me and that there was also one between you and I. The things I am going to say here are the things that I cannot put to words when I am talking to you.

Don’t condemn me, dad. I could not believe it when I discovered that you hadn’t forgiven me for a past error. It had been over ten years and you hadn’t forgiven me. I don’t think anything hurt more than finding that out.

Just recently, I wrote a letter to mom and expressed some of my feelings. I know you once told me to never write letters because they can always come back to haunt me but I express myself so much easier when I’m writing instead of talking.

Every time I visited you, I felt out of place and guilty that I didn’t spend more time with you. When I lived with you, mom made me feel the same way. At least once in my life, both you and mom have called me a user and selfish. It hurts to realize you feel that way, or did at some point, and made me wonder if I truly am a user and selfish. I am, I guess. Why would my parents say it if it weren’t true?

I wrote this poem last month.

Do you love me, Daddy?
Despite all I’ve never said?
You don’t see me when I cry,
You don’t hear me wishing I were dead.
It’s lonely without your love,
And I’m falling away from life.
Your silence is like a violent shove,
I’m afraid you’re holding the knife.
Do you remember me, Daddy?
I’m your daughter, your princess,
I’m trying so hard to be,
What you expect, the best.
She doesn’t understand me,
Even when she claims she does.
I can’t call her Mommy,
Or say, “I love you” just because.
Do you love me, Daddy?
Even though I’ve failed you?
It’s so miserable being me,
Destroying everything I try to do.
If I died tomorrow would you cry?
Alone or openly would you weep?
Would I be missed or would the world pass by,
As though I were only asleep?
Do you miss me, Daddy?
Miss my face, my voice, my smile? A little or a lot?
Do you think of me, Daddy?
Because it kills me to think you don’t.

I’m sorry I don’t visit more often, dad. I’m sorry I haven’t called. But allow me to tell you the reason of my latest lack of attention.

I realize, dad, that drinking and cursing is not something you consider a sin and I’m not here to preach, especially since I have fallen away from salvation myself recently. I gave up. I don’t see the point to fighting the fight any longer. Currently, I am trying to realign myself with Jesus but it is so difficult to discipline myself.


On New Years you called me and told me not to bother to come over, to just do what I had planned for the day and forget about visiting you. It was early in the day and you were already intoxicated. You may not even remember calling me. The thing was that the only thing I had to do that day was visit you. I had been looking forward to spending the day with you. Instead, I spent the day in my room crying.

You see how it works both ways, dad? I decided on that day to stop feeling guilty about not calling and not visiting you as often as I ‘should’ and that is why I haven’t truly gone out of my way to call you and say I love you as often as I used to.

I do love you, dad, no matter what and I will always be your daughter. I just need to know that I’m not going to feel guilty whenever I see you. I hope you and Michelle are happy and I hope that one day you will honestly seek God again and hear His voice. I hope that I will do the same. I know that I’m backsliding and I’m so scared of going to Hell.

I don’t think I could ever tell you enough that I love you. I want to tell you to return to Jesus and turn your back on your sins but I can’t because I am automatically accused of judging. But, you see, I’m there now. I’ve drunk, I curse and I know that I’m doing wrong. If I’m doing wrong, how could you not be?

Anyway, dad, I’m sorry that this letter had to come to you on Father’s Day and that you had to read it but if I didn’t write it, this would have been a card sent to my dad on a day that it was expected. It would be the same attempt to pretend nothing is wrong even though we haven’t spoken for over six months. I hope you understand.

Love, Always,
Julie