trapped in a soap opera

memories

Josh came in tonight--God it was depressing. Ok now none of you have ever heard of Josh so heres the story:
when i was 16 i used to have a crush on the lifguard at the pool. somehow we hooked up and dated for the summer. He was a really, really great guy. I graduated when i was 16 so at the end of the summer we decided that we didnt want to do the long distance relationship thing while i was in college (he still had a year of school left). the next summer i came home, saw him with a girl, and seems like someone told me he had a girlfriend, so i started messing around with Roy (my 1st husband) just for the hell of it. we werent really dating--though he thought we were. i tried throughout the summer to tell Josh that we werent, but being a guy he didnt pick up on it. Right before i left for school i went to help him pick out some shoes. we talked some but were kinda hurried so never got to say anything. fast forward a few mos. i was engaged to Roy and pregnant. things hadnt been working out, but i felt trapped by both those circumstances. i hung out with Josh one night for hours. he admitted to wanting to be with me back during the summer, but that i was with Roy and shit. i told him that Roy and i were getting married--not that i was pregnant i figured that would be too much of a shock. Josh sat there and told me that he just wanted me to be happy--that if beign with roy made me happy then he was all for it but if it didnt that he would do whatever it took. he even said that if i was pregnant or something (not knowing i was) that he would quit school to take care of me. i never told him how i really felt cause i felt obligated to roy. So many chances we had to be together again and we were both too stupid to do anything about it. maybe it was meant to be that way--but it still depresses me. i think about who Josh is and think that maybe if i had done things different how different my life could be. Roy ended up being a jackass--and Josh is still just an amazing guy. Amber was at work with me and when i told her who he was and the story she said i was stupid to let him go--yeah i know i was. were too far apart as people now to do anything with it, but i still remember Roy, after we broke up, saying that i should call him because he always felt that "Josh and i were meant to be together, but that he got in the way."

so now i sit depressed as hell, regretting the only good guy i ever dated (seriously the rest have turned out to be assholes) regretting not saying what i should have when i could have. wondring how different things would be now--or if they would be if i hadnt been so chicken, and had spoken up for what i wanted.