Fighting the Current

small scale politics & the Berlin Wall in my pocket

If I am not completely psychotic by the end of the year...

Today has not been a very good day, nothing terrible, just generally not good. General bad mood, been apprehensive again as well. The TVs in school this morning ran a show about the Holocaust. Never a cheery start to the day, and what pissed me off was how the people in my homeroom were blowing off the Holocaust like it was nothing, they even said things to that effect. Sure, facts, figures: 6 million European Jews died. Fact: There are about 3 million visible stars in the night sky (not that that analogy would make any difference, too much light pollution around here). Okay, then another, possibly harder hitting fact: 6 million people is almost twice the size of Los Angeles.

Third period, the Latin test from Hell--the teacher let us take it home to finish... And I still am lost on parts of it. Fourth period, pop quiz in history--I couldn't remember things we'd learned yesterday. I was expecting something terrible in precalc, but nothing transpired. Probably the only benefit to being somewhat pessimistic is that you cannot be let down. Not really anyone to talk to during sixth period. Seventh period was just boring. Eighth period, found out that my open book test is the next chapter and that the test I had today was not open-book, but I think I did well anyway. Stayed after for AP review, another thing I am severely underprepared for.

Came home, I can't even remember what I did. Oh yeah, stressed about things. Called the community college only to find that they close their office at 4 PM so I won't be able to call until next week maybe. So I went outside with my camera because I needed severe mind-clearing. Didn't work too well. Got some interesting shots I think though. My mom was in a bad mood, she's sick and under deadline (and deadlines are always yesterday with her work). So I eat dinner and go back to attempting to do schoolwork. I did some, but not enough. Then I lay back and spaced out for half an hour before deciding to write in my paper journal. Did that for an hour. Flipped through old entries. Discovered I noticed the apprehension and general weirdness at least two weeks ago. Anyway, I need to write more often about good things that happen.

I keep shaking tonight, everything shaking. Not seizure-like, but just shaking. Not good at all. A freaking bug almost sent me over the edge. There are these million legged bugs which love my house, and I absolutely abhor them. I can't stand them at all. I was going crazy trying to kill the damned thing as it was crawling through my carpet, and once I did, I kept feeling it crawling all over my fingertips (although it was most definitely in pieces on a tissue) until I washed my hand off. So then I was shaking after that, and couldn't calm down for a few minutes.

::sigh:: I'm eligible for my driver's license tomorrow. I flipped out earlier when my mom was suggesting that I have driving lessons with an instructor.

I know nothing. No causes, no reasons, no drives.

"It all keeps adding up,
I think I'm cracking up..." - "Paranoid," Green Day

I feel sick to my stomach. I'm not sure if I want it to be psychosomatic or something real.

Today were the student council elections. Psst didn't make the office she ran for, although I voted for her. I knew who was going to win the presidency, it was obvious, although I really didn't want that person to. I was listening to the speeches this morning and kept finding parallels to real politics, everything but mudslinging.

I was carrying around a chunk of concrete from the Berlin Wall today. My uncle happened to be in West Berlin at the right time and brought back pieces of it. I brought it in for history class. We just covered the building of it a few days ago. People were in awe of the little palm-sized rock splashed with paint. We were all born right around the time when the Wall came down. I don't know, history isn't real to most people until there's something concrete (no pun intended) to relate it to.

I am terrible at comforting people. Never know what to say, I have no words when I need them. I can't do anything most of the time because I am not always anywhere near the people I'm trying to comfort.

Been cursing a lot more these past two days. Another reasonless thing.

And another headache now. Had headaches for the past few weeks, usually right above and around my eyes, or just a really sharp pain going through my skull. And recently, my eyes have just bothered me in certain lights.

Wish I knew what was wrong. Then again, it's probably something I'd rather not know...

I came downstairs an hour and a half ago to do homework. Guess how much I have done.