Fighting the Current

whimsical recluse

Been cleaning my room on and off all day. I was on a roll just now, but apparently my dresser had too much dust collected on it and I kept coughing. It needs to be cleaned, but I'm not doing the best of jobs...

I cannot do things when I am asked (although "threatened" is a different matter). If I am asked to practice piano, I won't. But I'll be inspired and start playing something, whether assigned or not. If I'm told to fold the clothes, I'll forget. But if I see a pile of unfolded clothes sitting on the couch, or if the dryer finishes, and no one's around, I'll fold every single piece and carry the basket upstairs. If I'm asked to go out and exercise, there's no way I'm doing it. But I'll ride the exercise bike for half an hour or more or I'll walk for miles, so long as no one prompts me. If I'm told to clean my room, I can't. But I'll get a random urge to clean, hence the never-quite-improving-yet-always-changing state of my room. I just prefer to do things on a whim, without any observers, without any thanks. I only want attention and praise when those alone are what I'm striving for, otherwise I get really embarrassed for some reason.

Maybe I'm afraid of being unable to live up to expectations... Who knows...

I think too much for my own good. I've proven to myself time and again that I work much better when I rely on instinct. I'd get higher scores if I went with my first instinct instead of over-analyzing. When things go wrong and call for immediate action (immediate being five seconds or less) I stop thinking and go to work and things are usually fine. That must be the answer to everything, I'll just space out the rest of my life, act on instinct alone, and sail through it, lol. Yeah. Right. lol

"I never make stupid mistakes. Only very, very clever ones." - John Peel

I have such a tendency to learn vicariously. On the one hand, it's really annoying. On the other, I can sympathize with virtually any situation.

"The most beautiful things are those that madness prompts and reason writes." - André Gide

Déjà vu-y again today.

"Writing comes more easily if you have something to say." - Sholem Asch

No wonder many people can't write at all...

"If I don't write to empty my mind, I go mad. As to that regular, uninterrupted love of writing... I do not understand it. I feel it as a torture, which I must get rid of, but never as a pleasure. On the contrary, I think composition a great pain." - Lord Byron

There are days when I whole-heartedly agree with that statement above. There's just too much and something has to go, but I won't let myself forget anything... So onto the paper it goes... and goes... and goes...

Emily Dickinson had it so freaking easy. She could lock herself up and nobody would bother her. She had to answer to no one, she was left to her own devices. She could hide from the world when she so chose (which was all the time, but at least she had the ability to). If only it were that easy... ::sigh:: Then again, knowing me, some days I'd need an escape from solitude and my own twisted ideas and just decide to go for a stroll or talk someone's ear off, only to go back into seclusion soon afterwards. Gotta keep people on their toes. In today's day and age, what she did simply cannot be done--unless you are in some sort of religious cloister, and that would drive me insane. (::shudders at the thought of an everyday routine which goes on for decades::)

Then again, I'm not usually one to take the path of least resistance, which is most definitely what she did.

A friend just offered to be a recluse with me. That just strikes me as defeating the purpose; nevertheless, it made me laugh. I suggested we could do a reality TV show on a community access channel, but only if there were hidden cameras.

"What I like in a good author isn't what he says, but what he whispers." - Logan Pearsall Smith