Spasmodic Contemplations

Hello Again few but faithful

Hello few but faithful readers of mine. It’s been a long time since I’ve written in here…kind of makes me feel bad, taking up Stories space, but hey, it’s not much space…and I still use it. I just don’t have enough time to write anymore. I’ve written a few poems and no journal entries. And eventually I’ll be posting my poems here in journal form probably. “Sighs’ It’s been kind of along month, but then again, it’s gone by pretty fast at the same time. Like, the first 2/3 of the months I spent doint homework and stuff (as usual) and practicing for All State. Aghhh, for nothing, too. I got 8th in the district, the middle band at least. That’s 2 chairs worse than I did last year, yet I think I did better this year. I think it’s because I went in so early. And I guess I should have played that sightreading better….I really suck at sightreading. But I didn’t’ deserve as low a score I got. I did lots better on it this year than I did last year, but oh well. I find myself not so worried about it this year as I was last year, and I did WORSE this year…I guess I’m just too distracted with college and stuff.

The reason I had to go in so early that Saturday was because I had to be at this “Job Readiness Training” thing at 10 a.m., and I was late anyway, go figure. It’s for this thing called Start on Success, to help disabled students around the area gain work experience. I found out this past Tuesday that I’ll be working at a nursing home doing who knows what. I need to call the lady and work out a work schedule, but I can’t get hold of her. Obviously, she leaves work pretty early, seeing as how I call her before 3:45 every weekday, right after I get home from school. I’m kind of excited about this whole thing, since I haven’t ever worked at a real job before, but then…well….I feel a lot of remorse because my mom is going to have to drive me back and forth for ten weeks. That kind of stuff has caused some serious strife between my parents and I here lately, but it hasn’t been the first time, nor will it be the last.

I got an invitation a while back from UAB saying that I was invited for an interview for acceptance to their Honors program. So I finally call back Thursday to schedule it, and the only 2 slots left were for February 1. Well, okay, didn’t really have a choice there….so I told my mom, and she was like, “Okay.” Later she tells my dad, and he blows up. I mean really, he just loses it. And the whole thing of it is, well, I understand where they’re coming from…they’re tired of me doing all this stuff and not taking into consideration how it affects others. I do tend to do that an awful lot…so I feel really bad about it. Then he starts yelling at me and stuff, my mom too, and they tell me I can’t do the hp interview. Then they start bringing up other stuff I did in the past that they had to take me to, and….oh god….I dunno. And they were complaining about how many trips they’re going to have to make to B’ham and all. I don’t really blame them I guess. But it hurt. I got really upset about you know, not being able to drive, causing everybody trouble when all I want to do is be independent and not have to worry about offending others, or whatever. I’m so f***ing tired of having to hitch rides and all, hence one of the main reasons why I chose to go to college in a city that has public transportation and sidewalks, unlike this smalltown hell hole where I live now. I cried and all, my dad says I’m not going to college until I get some mental help (thanks, nothing like being told you’re a psycho by your own parents and meaning it), and then they tell me they don’t want to see me so I have to go to my room. Well, by then I didn’t feel like eating, so then they get all mad about that too. I was pretty upset. I mean, we’ve been through all this before, but this time…it just seemed worse. I mean, why did they decide to bring it all up now? Right before I go to college/ At the crucial point where I’m fixing to start the next phase of my life? God, I don’t understand it. I just wanted to tell them that it would be so much easier if they just took all the trips now and got it over with so that they wouldn’t have to for like…4 months. And then my mom’s like, “Well, then we won’t ever se you.” Well, aren’t you implying that you didn’t want me around now? She had told me earlier that she was tired of all my stuff and was ready for me to leave. And like I’m not? Like I’m just perfectly content staying here, depending on them? I can’t do shit without having someone carry me somewhere or something. Basically, I can’t do shit on my own. I couldn’t have told them all this. I tried, but they didn’t want to hear it.

Then the next day everything seems to be okay, well up until later that evening. We were all sitting around watching Monk on TV…great show …and my dad kept bugging my mom, saying, “Watch this! Watch this!” She was trying to do something on the computer, and we didn’t know what….she gets all mad and says I should do it. Do what? She was trying to make me a map of UAB’s campus; Hell, I didn’t know that. So she yells at me because she’s doing something I should be doing that I didn’t know I should be doing…and we get all mad again. Then yesterday, I woke up at 8:30 because we were planning on leaving the house by 10. My interview was at 2:00, but we wanted to look around the campus some, get me familiar with it (things are more difficult when you’re blind). I thought my dad was going to wake up my mom, but he didn’t. So no one woke her up, and we ran late. My dad was all like, “It was her responsibility to wake you up. It’s not my fault. Blame her. This is her trip; I’m just the driver.’ You know, that would have been all okay if I had KNOWN that it was my responsibility, but I didn’t. I would have been more than happy to have woken my mom up if my dad had told me the night before, “Stephanie, it’s your responsibility to wake them up in the morning.” But noooo….so I get yelled at AGAIN. I really didn’t’ want to be ill with my parents that day because I didn’t want that coming across in the interview, but oh well. 2 ½ hours of practical silence seemed to help though…lol. Things eased off, but weren’t totally gone.

The interview went ….okay….I kept kind of glancing at one of my interviewers (a senior..quite hot), and all. They asked me some questions, and I answered as best I could at the time. You know what I hate? I keep thinking of better answers I could have given them. Anyway, we think I’ll get in just because I’m blind. That’s where the disability becomes a blessing and a curse. Seriously, I hate the whole, “Well, she’s blind. It’s so impressive that she has done all this and yet is blind, even though we have others who are more qualified and more outgoing etc. But she’ll make us look good, so we’ll take her over them.” It’s really unfair, and I hate it! I mean, I really do want to get in, but not like that. I want what I deserve, not other people’s sympathy or charity. Later in life, though, it’s gonna suck, because the research companies or whatever won’t want me because I’m blind, even if I am qualified. So…blah. Life’s a bitch.

After the interview, we drove around for a few minutes, trying to figure out where my classes would be and how to get to them. I think I have it pretty much figured out. That’s good. Then, I got to practice crossing streets. Now, that sounds pretty bad to you, but hey, for a blind person, six lanes of traffic in downtown Birmingham is kind of scary at first. I had to use my Jordy (a CCTV that fits on my head) to see the crosswalk sign, but it worked! Well, once I found the sign…haha. It’s so unwieldy though. I have to take off my sunglasses, put on the Jordy, find the pole where the sign is, wait, take off the Jordy, and then cross. It kind of sucks, but I think…I think I can get used to it. And if there are other people at the sidewalk, then I can just go with them. It was kind of exhilarating to know that I just might be able to pull it off (I HAVE to!) and exciting….taking the risk of getting hit by a car…lol.

So I left feeling a bit more confident about the whole UAB thing, though still feeling bad about the interview and my advantage over the others…blah. But hey, I would trade my disability for just about anything. People get mad because I get stuff, scholarships….etc. But I would take whatever they don’t get over my blindness in a second. And the sad thing is, there is no surgery, no type of glasses or contacts, that can help me. Only all this big equipment that works only sometimes and is amazingly expensive. I would give anything to drive….then I wouldn’t have all those problems with my parents, and probably would be going to a college that I would rather go to. Actually, when I think about it, I kind of like UAB now, the campus is insignificant. And the only reason I really would want to go to MSU now is because a few of my friends are going there. So I can deal….:)

Later yesterday afternoon, I went to Sean’s b-ball game. Yay woo, though they lost. We cheered for them anyway, we being me, Bean, Kat (new girl), Tamara, and Tiff. Sometimes I wonder if Tamara likes me…she seemed to enjoy Tiff’s company over mine…oh well. She’s entitled to what she likes, but I just don’t like Tiff that much…she’s kind of boring, and I am supposed to be the boring one here. Everyone seems to like her more…I’m just not all that pleasant to be around I guess. I know I have my faults, so I guess I don’t blame them. Tiff’s not such a freak either…not so much a weirdo. That’s probably a good thing. I say things like, everyday, and people just stare at me. It kind of hurts, but it’s my fault because I just don’t know when to shut the hell up. I really should work on that so I don’t get so many god-awful looks and the depressing comments…but it’s kind of hard to. I’ve been like this for many years, and I’m getting better, just not fast enough.

Last night was fun though. After Sean’s game, we all went to Subway where we met Dani and Brooks and Fetty. Then we all went to BAM because Tamara wanted some coffee or something. Melissa came in sometime along the way. Oh, and we met Sean at BAM too; he had gone home to shower. I love that place. It’s pretty entertaining….especially when you’re around people you like. Anyway, we left to go to Sean’s house where we played Catchphrase (great game) for a long time. Then we played pool, which I really….really….suck at. Haha. I loved the atmosphere last night. There was no tension because there was no one there to cause it. We were all in jovial moods it seems, and we got to know Katherine. She’s a freshman, which kind of freaks me out because she doesn’t seem like one. Anyway, yeah, we should have gatherings like that more often, just minus all the people that would cause tension….it was great.

I wrote this poem about Brian recently, apologizing for …. I really don’t know what. I mean, I feel like he doesn’t talk to me because I don’t…satisfy his standards or something. Or maybe I’m just THAT boring. I have nothing to offer him, and it makes me feel bad. So basically, I feel like I’m the one to blame for our lack of friendship. I mean, he said a long time ago we are….but we don’t really act like it. We don’t have conversations, only awkward silences…I hate it. We had a lab in AP chem. The other day, and we were lab partners. I felt bad because a) he was doing the entire lab, and b) I couldn’t strike up an interesting conversation…not even a conversation at all...:( I don’t’ feel good enough, and I would rather not say anything than make a fool out of myself, which is weird because I do it in front of Bean and Sean all the time. I hate that too, but I wasn’t ever completely and intensely infatuated with them either. I still like Brian..I do…but now more than anything else I just want to be like normal friends. The very LEAST he could do is treat me like the people he barely knows anything about. He knows a good bit about me because we’re pretty similar in a lot of aspects. He just feels more strongly about some things than I do. He’s more…on the extreme side. But we do have a lot in common. It only makes perfect sense for ust be be able to talk and all…and that stuff about me telling him how I felt was almost a year ago. I’m pretty over it; I’m just hurt that he doesn’t’ treat me like the little whores that he talks to…okay, not whores, but Critter is pretty slutty…though possibly she doesn’t sleep with all those 50 guys she’s dated. I’m exaggerating, but you get the picture. And he knows hardly anything of substance about Kristi (however you spell it0, and yet…he treats her more like a friend than me. And Bean, he talks to her…I know why. I knows they share one of her big secrets, but…I guess I’m jealous. Not so much jealous as just hurt though…Anyway, I posted that poem, and he replies. This is what it said: “…Confused …” I replied back telling him not to worry about it, that he had enough problems of his own (I’m sure he does), and that I was sorry again. Something in me really wants to tell him how I feel now, but then part of me holds back, don’t want to screw myself over again. Besides, when do we ever talk? Never, so how could I? I don’t think I have the nerve to bring it up…so…that’s how I stand right now. Sorry the entry was so long. I’ve got a lot on my mind. This isn’t the half of it…My stuff may seem trite, but there’s more. We’ve all got our problems.