Sarah's Life

Starting to think I have too much time on my hands

I'm sitting here in the library at a computer surrounded by people that are in a class, and somehow I manage to not be kicked off a computer in order to allow people access to the internet.

That isn't really the subject of this post, however. For the past few days I've been trying to sort out things in my head, and in the process I have gotten very lost. My head is a very confusing place, and I don't like being up there longer than necessary. Actually I hate being up there in the first place, much less when half my brain is trying to kill the other half, and I generally can't get anything to agree. I'm really not sure what I should be thinking, much less how I should be reacting to the events unfolding around me. The hardest thing is, I don't really feel comfortable telling all in this journal, or more accuratly, I can't really journal everything due to the fact that the two people that are currently making the issues around me are the only ones to read this. It's not that I have any particular problems with either of you, but it's that I have issues with what's going on. I don't want emails being flung around. I honestly don't see where the issue comes from, Jackson, seeing as you've never met Cody, and the only things you know about him come from me - things which are pretty vauge, and rather tainted by my own view of events. Not to mention the fact that my memory gets pretty hazy as to details almost immediatly, and I tend to just be able to express emotion, which is a mutable thing depending on the emotions with which you are remembering emotions (this is something that only makes sense to me I think sometimes). So what is the issue? You've never met him, so why this distrust? Because somewhere inside of you you're jealous (and no, you can't really deny this). I'm not sure what you are jealous of exactly. The past between Cody and I is hazy at best, confusing and fucked up at worst. I can't really say everything that went on, everything that was felt, because it is something that I couldn't even figure out when the events were happening - thus the problems.

The only issues I see here are the ones between Cody and I. Issues which both of us are willing to finally put behind us, and issues which probably in the end have strengthened our friendship. And that's what it is - friendship. I can honestly say that Cody is the only person on this planet I would actually call my friend. Sure, I have Pam and Gaite - but they're more like sisters than anything else. There are times when I simply cannot go to them with problems, because I know they won't understand. I have always been able to go to Cody, I have always been able to lean on him. When most people were more concerned with using me as a pillar of support, Cody always gave me more than I gave him. I didn't really blame him when he said that I'd used him, because I had. I will never lose respect for him as a friend - he is the best friend I have had in my life, and he has continued to be such even through our problems.

Ok, wow, that got a bit bitchy (and when I say a bit, I mean in that whole gigantic painful way).

*wonders if it's a smart idea to continue* *Decides that she's already begun, so she might as well contine*

As for the email situation - I have always hated email and all the rest due to how impersonal it is, and my own issues with writing long letters and such. My grammer leaves alot to be asked for, and I've always had issues with spelling. I don't usually go to an effort to correct my spelling unless I knew I was being graded on it. I don't see the point in going through all that effort when all I'm doing is writing to someone that wouldn't care, or also when I'm writing for myself. Your only samples of Cody's writings are personal writings, and why would he go to the effort to clean them up for the general public if he just wants to get his thoughts out as quickly as possible? Along the same lines, I love the fact that you are always so precise with your word choice, because it reflects your personality - you are in every aspect a Virgo, and I love that. Part of what makes your writing so enjoyable is that I don't get hung up on the grammer and spelling. I can actually settle down and enjoy the content. But there are advantages to both systems.

The thing that makes this so hard is that if you two had met under different circumstances, I'm still convinced that you probably would have ended up liking each other, if not good friends. I'm not sure that's quite possible given the circumstances, but with any luck some kind of mutual acceptance is achievable.

Actually, I was really impressed by Cody's email. It basically addressed most of the issues I had tried to bring up, but in a far more convincing manner, and I think it was something that needed to be heard from more than one source. I'll admit, there is still some awkwardness with me in regards to being around Cody. I don't think the past two years are going to be something I just suddenly accept, and I think it will take a while for me to settle back down into friendship. There's alot of history there that needs to be dealt with. And that's something that needs to be sorted out between Cody and I. Jackson... I love you, and I always will, but this is something that is between myself and Cody. And yes, while you are the most important thing in my life, and while you always come first, there will be second and third and forth (etc.) most important things, and they will have an effect on me and my life, and as a result us and our life. Cody is very clearly important to me.



*damnit*

*gets kicked out of the library*


*Is now in business lab*

*continues*


*realizes she has no idea where she was going with any of the above*


*just starts whining "Why can't we all just get along?"*